Ho Ho Ho

i hope everyone enjoyed their day yesterday. we woke up and opened presents, showed mason that santa had eaten the cookies and drank the milk we left out for him. i'm not sure if he buys that, he kind of looked at me with this seriously mom? look. oh well, its fun anyway. i attempted to take mason to the movies & after waiting 30 mins for them to fix the sound problem in the theater i decided to get a refund & leave. time is short with a four year old, however he did AWESOME and i feel confident that he is ready to be a movie-goer! yeah! last night we went to mimi's house and spent time with her and an old friend of hers. she cooked a herb crusted roast - YUM! yum yum yum. by last night i was exhausted. stevie was pretty needy yesterday and for some reason i generally had a bad attitude. isn't that awful? oh well! i was not the photographer i planned on being, i only took a few pics.

merry xmas numero uno

we went to mimi's today to celebrate xmas with mike's brother kelly, his fiance dmitri and our neice haley. haere are some pics of the cottingham fam:

cookie time

on saturday we had the andersons over to paint christmas cookies. it was the first time i've made them by myself without my mom (i used the recipe that we have been making cookies with since i was a kid) mason & caedan had fun painting them, oh yeah, mike & dave did too :-)

i really can get addicted to anything

so i went to the book store on thursday and picked up a copy of twilight. i had to see what all of the ruckuss was over this young adult teen vampire love story. yeah, i read the first AND second book in 3 days. she's no anne rice but i immediately got hooked in to the characters (although i must confess i was getting a little over the love story by the end of the first book) but it quickly redeemd itself when the plot thickened. needless to say i am a twilight junkie and am looking forward to seeing the movie. i definitley think that a little escapism is healthy, but uh, yeah. put down the book lady.

i have no idea whats wrong with me lately. i have been in the dumps quite a bit. feeling sad, overwhelmed, like i just want to give up (on what i'm not sure). i had a good, much needed, cry at my meeting this morning. i heard many things i needed to hear. i heard that we all have what we need inside of us. courage. love. goodness. its all there just waiting to be tapped into. i heard that god appreciates effort. i hope so much that that is true. i feel like a failure so often in my attitude and actions around my family. (intellectually i know i am a good wife & mother and that i am making progress - but sometimes it FEELS like its not good enough.) i was told that bad mothers don't sit around wondering if they are good mothers. i heard that practicing patience & tolernace is so very important, i guess i'm supposed to do that with myself too, huh? i heard not to give up.
i think at the end of the day i am damn hard on myself. i wonder if that means i am too hard on all of you? don't we tend to reflect, or project, or whatever, that kind of stuff? needless to say i am still here. sometimes i just want to run away from this beautiful life and hide. start over. live selfishly. sometimes i don't want to sweep the floor, AGAIN. don't want to do laundry. wipe runny noses. get up tp feed the baby. on and on. but i do. because really it is a privelege and an honor and a pleasure, mostly.

so three things i'm grateful for:
the health of my children
caramel filled ghiradelli milk chocolate
bedtime :-)

glad i have boys, i think....

let it snow, let it snow, let it snow

"dear god......"

mason has finally gotten to the point where he will say his own prayer at bedtime. this is last night:

"dear god, thank you for my little brother. thank you for mommy and daddy and myself. thank you for the house and the fan. the end."
how cool is i that his little brother comes first? awesome.

sometimes i am so blown away by his questions and quite frankly don't know how to respond. he asks me things like, is god inside of us? is jesus inside of us? did jesus walk on water? (i guess i should have been ready for the jesus questions since we do take him to church and to MOPS - but since i struggle with those same questions, well, it makes for intereseting convo with a 4 year old) why are the levits jewish? why aren't we jewish?

then there's the whole thing about santa clause. we went to my mother-in-laws country club to meet santa and have dinner on sunday. do i tell him thats the REAL santa? or a helper? we were telling him that sometimes santa sends a helper because he gets so busy getting ready for christmas eve. he was very adamant that santas helpers were elves. duh mommy. this whole parenting thing sure can be tricky. lately masons struggle to have control over his environment, ahem, ME, is coming out by him screaming and calling me ugly. good times.

stockings

mom, this is for you.......
those are hand needlepointed by mi madre. she spent insane amounts of time ensuring my family would have these extremely fabulous stockings, you all should be very jealous ;-)
thanks mom (please excuse the ghetto-fabulous plastic hooks, i could not find nice holders that would fit my mantle)

day 2 & gratitude friday

stephen survived his second day of mothers day out, they said he did better than on tuesday. when we were walking into the building and he saw the silly old lady with reindeer antlers on he remembered where he was and started crying. break my heart. he loved going on the buggy ride & he got to see a handbell choir. again i have to reiterate how quickly 5 hours goes by. for me, probably not so much for him.

well, not even a week open & one out of our two clients has already burned off. mike was with him yesterday morning at the house & he seemed fine, then didn't show up in the evening. this is the guy that mike has known for years. cunning, baffling, powerful. it never ceases to amaze me what this disease does to people. again it reiterates to me how much easier it is to stay sober than get sober. i am SO grateful to be where i am today. what are you grateful for?

on a side note in regards to addiction, i have been having thoughts of smoking again (because i'm a nut job! and yes i'm still nursing. shut up) but last night i got new resolve.

i love my kids. they are awesome. stephen has been more chatty lately. he LOVES to say ball, dada, drink, that, cup. now keep in mind this is largely in the language that only mommy & daddy can understand. except for ball. thats clear as day. mason uses words like frustrated, object (in regards to game playing), and now i can't think of them. but often he says things and i'm like, how old are you kid?

by myself??? in my own house???

today was stephen's first day of mothers day out. i tell you what, five hours goes QUICK! i did NOT go to the gym b/c i was obsessing about getting the house clean. so i cleaned. for three straight hours. my entire house. for now, until well, now- my house is clean. it was nice to walk in with the boys this afternoon and have it this way, even if it will be short lived.
it was really hard dropping stevie c off today. he was really excited and happy, until he realized that i would NOT be staying. when i arrived to pick him up he was crying at the door waiting for me, she promised he didn't do that ALL day. we'll try again thursday and hopefully it will get better. which intellectually i know it will but my heart sure did hurt this morning.

on the freedom house note, we have two clients. one actually PAID rent yesterday! on the first day. i am amazed. but day 1 and we already had a glitch, the gas was turned off. so no hot water, no stove. luckily the heater is electric! this will be the beginning of a long journey of a whole bunch of fun things to deal with :-)

i found out yesterday that a woman that goes to my woman's meeting on thursday's, and who happens to be a grand-sponsee, was found dead yesterday. all i know is that she was found at the bottom of her stairs with wine bottles everywhere. it made me really sad, i did not know her well at all. i know she was young, beautiful, intelligent, successful in her career and an alcoholic that could not get & stay sober. i do not know if her death was a result of her drinking, or just a tragic accident that occurred when she happened to be drunk. regardless, she is gone and does not get another chance at the life she wanted so badly. it has really made me think about how HARD it is to get sober at first, but how EASY it is really once you have some time, some relief, some tools to live by. so now its a matter of continuing to plug away one day at a time. its easy to slip into the lie that i can coast on the things i did yesterday, but its just not so. yesterday doesn't matter (yes, i can learn & grow, strengthen my spirit & my relationship with god) but if i do nothing today then i'm not moving forward.

step it up

thanksgiving morning we are all sitting on the couch and stephen took his first step on his own. from daddy at one couch over to me at the other. it was so beautiful. it was in slow-mo. i was just starting to say how he is getting better balance and wah-lah. go cookie go.

happy thanksgiving, freedom house, oh my....

this week has been crazy....

my sister becky came for a visit on wednesday. it was, as always, awesome to see her. she is an amazing woman, she is a rock for me. thanks for all your help sista. we cooked a yummy scrumptious thanksgiving feast for my little family. and as you can see i have become "one of those people" who decorate their house for christmas, on thanksgiving. yeah. we also went to the parade downtown thursday morning and it was really a lot of fun. the ponies were my favorite part!

so i was planning on doing this post about gratitude and giving thanks for who i am and the life i have the privelege of being a part of. but I AM GRUMPY. and have been. i have spent the last 3 days running around like a mad woman, close to an anxiety attack, trying to get stuff done for freedom house. which ta da, will be opening tomorrow. we have gotten many calls from fliers we sent out and even one today from a guy that found us on the internet! wow, that is so exciting!! we have a temporary house manager setup and our first resident is moving in, well tonight really. so i have been making lists and attempting not to physically harm my hubby and kids. mike and i handle stress SO DIFFERENTLY. he goes into procrastination and the attitude of "everything will work out" (which it will. but, hello, we have to do stuff to make it so) and i wake up in the middle of the night thinking about what is to be done the next day. he makes me nuts sometimes. a cool thing is that i realize i handle stress better than i used to. i can breathe, i can calm down, i can take my grubby little hands off of things, sometimes.

a few bday pics, more to come

prayer for today

from 24 Hours a Day meditation book:

"I pray that today I may do the next thing, the unselfish thing, the loving thing. I pray that I may be content with doing small things as long as they are right. "

happy birthday boys

we had the boys' party today, and i think it was a hit. everyone seemed to really enjoy themselves and there were minimal issues between children. my lovely, dear friend sarah took pictures (i love you, love you!) so when she gets those to me i will post some. the big kids bounced, ran, wrestled. the babies played inside with toys, a few of them braved the bouncy house. stephen LOVED it. they set it up around 9 this a.m. so we got to have some family bounce time. he was rolling around & giggling. it was awesome!
i have to say i absolutely love my friends and their kids. i have some of the most kind, generous people in my life.

dear mason

today is your fourth birthday. fourth. four years ago today you had just been born. i was exhausted and relieved and scared and completely unsure of myself. but i was sure of you. that you were perfect, beautiful, the most important thing in my life. and you still are. you are too smart for your own damn good. you are stubborn, funny, sensititve, curious, impatient, serious. you CONSTANTLY push the limit to see how far i will let you go. i constantly let you go too far. but we work it out, mostly. your imagination caught on fire this past year. you enjoy playing bad guys, being outside, making "work" - which are piles of paper, receipts, pictures (really anything you can get your hands on) and putting them on the kitchen & dining room tables. (i love this by the way -ha!) your little brother was born this year and i cannot tell you how kind, tender, loving, patient you have been with him. (as you yell at him right now) you loved to kiss him & hug him when he first came home. he has finally gotten big enough to play with you and you LOVE it. you are an awesome big brother, so protective & pushy!
the day you were born was the single-most life changing event of my life. you have taught me what it means to love unconditionally, how to live for someone else, also in turn the great necessity for taking care of myself, for if i do not do that i am worthless to you.
i love you. i love you. i love you. thank you for being the spunky, spirited kiddo you are.
love,
mommy

argh

am i the only one whose kid's high-pitched screeching causes a physical reaction. cringing, hair raising cringing? stephen can hit notes that, well that are quite impressive actually. eeeek.

i feel much better today than i did yesterday & the day before. we (meaning mike) has finally had conversations with a couple of our neighbors over by the halfway house. needless to say they are not happy (meaning totally f-ing pissed off) which i totally GET. i would be too. we knew the reactions that we would recieve. but i feel bad. the point is to help people, maybe help change a few lives. not cause harm. however i know that wherever we went someone would have to deal with us being there. so the doubt, the fear, the wanting to hide under my covers resurfaces. and i feel tired. which i'm coming to see is the way that i deal with stress & feelings - i get tired. fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on ones perspective, having two kids does not allow one to hide under the covers. not even for a couple of hours. damn. regardless of how the neighbors percieve us, we will press on. we are completely within our rights to do what we are doing, and frankly this is the best area suited for it.
another fun item of business, we are pushing back our opening. we are having to make sure we are up to the city firse marshalls code. we did not get accurate info regarding this initially so we are in the process of verifying what we need to do. good times.

so more will be revealed. whatever will be will be.

An Evening With & Happy Bday To Me

so friday night a girlfriend and i went to the houston council for a lecture by Dr.'s Harriet Lerner & Brene Brown. the first topic spoken on by Dr. Lerner was "A Blueprint for Courageous and Joyous Relationships" where she covered what she felt were the 10 most significant things we must practice in order to have courage in relationships. they were as follows:
-say what we think/feel about things that matter
-share these things when appropriate
-set boundaries(what we can/can't do)
-calm things down(stop reacting)
-warms things up/speak to the positive. (come from a place of love as my dear friend trish tells me)
-listen to understand
-respect differences
-define the bottom line (deal breakers)
-share strenghts/vulnerabilities in a balanced way
-clarify goals/beliefs/priorities & act accordingly
i highly enjoyed her. her realism, honesty about her own struggles with her sons & family.

Next Dr. Brown spoke on shame, which is were her research for the past ten years lays. she has come up with what she finds in people that do not LIVE in shame. so in the absence of shame she has found:
authenticity, resilience & a sense of love and belonging.
she also discussed ten bullet points on how we achieve this:
-understand shame & practice resilience
-embrace imperfection
-rethink cool & extraordinary
-make space for rest, creativity & gratitude
-hold spirit sacred
-recognize how we protect ourselves from vulnerability
-have hope (which she believ we CAN teach our kids)
-practice forgiveness
-lean into discomfort & pain
-practice self compassion
This woman ROCKS. seriously. i got SO much out of hearing her speak. she spoke about us being wired in our brains to need to be connected. with people. to belong somewhere. to fit.
she spoke of the difference between shame & guilt. that shame is the voice that says "I Am" and guilt is "I Did". That freedom from shame comes from speaking it. apparently there are new studies that show that shame is stored as trauma (and this is where she lost me with the neurobiology technical jargon stuff) in some part of the brain. thats pretty deep stuff, there is actually a physical component here.
my favorite quote from her of the evening was:
"let go of who we are supposed to be and embrace who we are."
yes, amen sister.

it was fun to go out and do something grown up with a friend and hear these phenomenal women speak. how the hell do they do it? i can't imagine balancing that all. frankly i just don't have that kind of ambition! not now anyway!

so happy birthday to me yesterday. i celebrated my sobriety anniversary - 8 years.
8 freakin years. wow. i've been so busy thinking about halfway house stuff i haven't thought too much about this, i think i was more reflective last month.

i am grateful that for the most part, and i'm still striving for this, me is what you get wherever you may run into me. that's something that brene touched on on friday. that wherever i show up, be it church, kids school, aa, with mommy friends - that i'm the same person. that has not always been the case for me. its really in the last year or so i think that i've been consciously striving for that kind of authenticity. and its not easy. i can get very wrapped up in "cool" and what i think you think i should be (which lets face it is not even always based in reality)
so yes 8 years later i'm a loon. but a happy, peaceful, content, OK loon. a SOBER one. and as long as i'm that i have the oppurtunity to do anything. be anything. grow, change, make mistakes, say i'm sorry, laugh my ass off, feel the pain, feel the joy, just be OK. freedom rocks!

so here's a shout out to all of my aa friends that have come before me to show me the way, the people that have come with and after me to trudge the road with, my "normie" friends - you know who you are! for accepting me and showing me that wow, people are really just people and yall aren't so normal afterall!! to my mom, my sisters, my mother-in-law (who has loved & treated me like a daughter) to mike- my hubby, my partner, my best friend - who "saw the potential" and i hope still does! for believing in me, loving me, supporting me, holding me, giving me the freedom to live my dreams, FOR MAKING ME LAUGH, for being so damn cute! to my boys for being born, for helping me see the good the bad & the ugly in myself, for teaching me unconditional love. and of course i would be nothing without God, the spirit, the power, the LOVE, everything good in all of us.
i love you all, warts and all, i suppose!

miracle

good morning. from my meditation today:

My Declaration of Self-Esteem: "I am me. In all the world there is no one else exactly like me. There are persons who have some parts like me, but no one adds up exactly like me. Therefore, everything that comes out of me is authentically mine because I alone chose it".--Virginia Satir

did you see the amazing moon last night/this morning? i'm not sure if it is full but it is big & bright & fabulous! bring on the cold front! mr. stephen slept until 5 a.m.! thats 8.5 hours people. woo-hoo. keep it coming.

so after a convo i had yesterday i am thinking about where i was eight years ago today. 3 days before i took what i hope is to be my last drink/drug. all i can say is wow. how could i possibly doubt the power that exists in and around me?
on a side note i think i have finally found peace with calling my god "it" versus "he". in this instance pronoun acceptanc is very important for me and i've struggled for, well, eight years now. its neutral, gender neutral, and i find i can connect better with that.
anyway - eight years ago i was at the "jumping off place" where i could not picture continuing to live life the way i was, but also could not imagine it any other way. it was unbareable, painful, hopeless, scary, ugly. i was going down and i was SO pissed off about it, i wanted to take you with me. i thought that that was it, stuck forever in that life.
but here i am. still me. but my goodness, such a better me. healthier. happier. not QUITE so crazy. FREE. from - addiction, myself (mostly), fear of the future, failures of the past, anger. thats not to say these things do not appear for me, regularly even, but they are not my permanent state of being.

the sun is coming up and it is pink & purple & blue. i used to watch the sun come up in a drunken & drug induced craze & watch people leave for work & their lives as i was going home to pass out. i HATED you normal people. I SO WANTED TO BE ONE OF YOU. and here i am.

miracles do happen.

happy tuesday

i am going to sign up stevie for school today. sniff sniff. i feel like a new mom doing this, not one who's oldest kid has been in school for 3 years.

a friend told me yesterday that i make smart babies. you know what? she's right! stephen has begun playing peek-a-boo, covering his face with his hands peek-a-boo. its the cutest damn thing. when he sees mike he sticks out his tongue, when is that man going to learn that these games he teaches our kids tend to come bite us on the bootie later? like when he thought it was HYSTERICAL to say "you know who? chicken poo!" to mason. and then mason would not stop saying it, for like a year. at school. yeah.

damn i love my husband, he sure does know how to make those boys laugh.
man its raining, again. my grass & plants are happy as they are completely h2o deprived when mother nature leaves it up to me. i am ready for this weekend, for the cold.
i get to go spend some time with some of my mommy friends this morning and i haven't gotten to do that in awhile. its one of my favorite things that i haven't been able to do in awhile.
one of the best things ever, other mommies to share the journey with. what the hell would i do without you ladies? i'd be a babbling idiot, more so than i am presently.

we recieved our first inquiry into our halfway house last night, so if homeboy sticks around we will have 2 clients when we open. this guy is actually a husband of an old friend of mine, but apparently he got our flier somehow. i am SO excited.

auntie becky

i found out today one of my most favoritest people in the entire world, my sister becky, will come to visit us for thanksgiving.
yay yay yay. my heart feels lighter knowing i will see her soon, not that it felt especially heavy!but this absolutely makes me oh so happy.
love you sis, can't wait to see you!

sleep training

we've begun sleep training again. friday night was a long night, he cried the first round for a little over an hour - we took turns going in every 5ish minutes or so. second time it was under 30 minutes. last night was better - only had to go in once & he barely cried. so wow, they don't lie. it actually works. and he is okay, so far no irreversible trauma has occured. none we can see anyway.

i have decided to start him in a little mothers day out program. i am going in tuesday to register him. so i think he will start next tuesday. every tues & thurs from 9-2. i feel this is a good thing but i feel incredibly GUILTY. because i am afterall a stay at home mom. what kind of a mother am i? plus i don't deserve the time to myself. i should always be DOING DOING DOING. blah blah blah. i think this will be good for him. get him used to being away from me a little bit. will enable me to get some things done for our business without toting around the little guy. i will be able to clean the house, go to the gym, hit a meeting - withouth having to worry about him. that sounds like the life of leisure, that i don't deserve. i'm not sure where i got that idea, but its sucky.

sigh, i still feel guilty. what is it about mothers and guilt? (or this mother anyway) his birthday was nice. we sang happy birthday off and on all day. played with balloons. went to the park. ate cupcakes. i cannot believe he is one! wow, time moves so fast.

on another note we went by the house today to drop off a dresser i bought this week - and i forgot HOW AB FAB IT IS GOING TO BE AS A HALFWAY HOUSE!! holy crap. it is so incredibly perfect! i dropped fliers in the mail last week announcing its openeing on december 1st and have every day been giving it up to God-well trying to. if we build it, they will come. right? we will have a client beginning the 1st, a friend of mikes get out of treatment on the first, and will be moving in. (assuming he doesn't twist off in the meantime. which, lets face it, who the hell knows)

so i feel good about that, still so much to do. so much.

here's to another week. grateful i am alive to experience it. found out this a.m. a member of a group i go to passed away on wednesday. he was sober 35 years and died due to complications related to a brain surgery he had. he was an interesting bird. he seemed okay with himself, his family, with God.
we'll miss you Jim Moon.

dear stephen

happy birthday my sweet boy. i cannot believe that you have already been in my life for one year. you are my little mamma's boy. it is difficult for me at times because i feel as if i am not satisfying your needs because you whine & cry quite often with me but play happily with your dad. that is ok, we are who we are and i love the relationship that we have. you wake me up still several times a night. this makes me nuts!! however i see the beauty in it, that what you want is to be close to me, to be comforted back to sleep. i'm sorry to tell you that we are starting sleep training again tonight. it will be a rough few days, but i think you are ready to learn to calm yourself. i think this is important, i think your rest will be better and you won' be so tired in the morning. still through the no sleep & clingy-ness you bring so much joy to my life. you love to play peek-aboo, "donk" with your brother & dad, to be tickled, to climb the stairs, take baths, to be outside. your laugh & gap toothed smile is infectious. you are so smart! when you are mad you pout and scream (loudly in a high pitch). you sometimes pinch and swat too, which we are taking care of! you like playing with your baby friends, especially the bigger ones!
a year ago today i was waiting to hear from the hospital that it was okay for me to be induced. i scheduled induction so that i could arrange for mimi to watch brother and have the help she needed on hand. finally at around 4:00 we were told it was okay to go in. we spent the day together, went on a walk, daddy ate chinese food - i STARVED! daddy & i were so excited, we couldn't wait to meet you. having mason was the best thing either of us had ever done, we loved him so much and could not wait to experience life with two loves like that, not to mention the love we have for one another. so we went to the hospital, everyone thought we were crazy for beginning so late in the day. but we did. labor was pretty quick, all in all about 5 hours. you were born around 11:30 in the evening. mimi was a little disappointed, she wanted you to come out after midnight so yall would share a birthday.
when i first saw you i thought how much you looked like mason when he was a baby. looking at pictures now i don't know that you did. i loved you instantly. i wasn't sure what to expect, when mason was born it took some time for me to adjust to the fact that i was a mommy and he was mine. i guess since i was already a mom it was instantaneous with you being the second. you had flat ears and long sideburns, daddy & i giggled. i felt great! although tired i was ready to go home & we did a day later. mason came to meet you in the hospital and was so gentle & loving. i think that is my most favorite memory up to that time, seeing him hold you & smile. sinced then there have been many times that yall are playing or hugging or laughing, that i feel love for you both & this life so strongly that, well i'm not sure what. but its better than anything else in the world.
so long story short, you are awesome. absolutely amazing. i am so grateful that you are my kid, that we get to be together as much as we do. that our family has one another, forever.
i love you
mama

freedom house

we have a tentative opening date of 12/1/08. which is contingent on us finding a house manager, i guess. SO MUCH to be done. tenant #1 moved out on saturday, so we are on the move. this week i've been in the place of - "holy crap. this is really happening. we're really doing this. there is a laundry list of things to be done & i don't know where to start" wanted to bury my head in the sand & do nothing. sound familiar? whats the deal with that reflex? the appropriate reaction is - ok, whats first? which i have finally arrived at.
so here i am. doing whats in front of me & i realized yesterday that I AM AFRAID. of failure, of success, of the unknown, of money, of responsibility (says the mother of 2, ha)
this is such a big deal for us. having the courage to do the work is what i'm up against, i feel like i can trust god to do his part. its ME i'm worried about!
but, i am woman. hear me roar. i am strong. i am competent. i am worthy. i am.....crap the baby woke up :-)
so they say courage is walking through fear, not not having it in the first place.
so i will walk. (we will walk. what a gift)

good times

i am not going to go on and on and on about how thrilled i am that Mr. Barrack Obama is going to be our next president. his speech on tuesday was phenomenal. i really BELIEVE this guy. i believe that he has what it takes to fix our economy, fix our healthcare, mend our relationships with other countries in the world (at least some of them. at least to make them stop laughing at us) etc etc etc. i am so excited & inspired to have an intelligent man be our next president. (no offense W, well actually, yes - you should take offense. i will be glad to see you go) i also have to give props to Senator McCain for his speech, the message he carried of unity & moving forward.

my children will never know a world where a black man "can't" be president of the USA. no i was not alive during segregation. but i get what this means. i believe that this man and the people who voted for him, even the ones that didn't, have the power to change our nation - our world maybe? to shatter our completely whacked out belief systems, our fear of one another. to silence the "old tapes" in us that play in even the most educated, open-minded of people.

this is going to be good.

ah, election day

praise mary & the sweet baby jesus. this election season is coming to a close.

i've done my part, casted my ballot (absolutely got chills when doing so. i am so honored to have voted for who i hope wil be the first african-american president of the old USofA. remember where all men (and women, ach-em)are created equal?) i hope we as a people are growing over the barriers of race, gender, sexual orientation, religion, etc.
not to get too hippie-dippie here. but like john lennon sang - imagine all of the people, one world...etc... and no mr. lennon, you are not the only one. (ok, that was a little much)

so now today we sit & wait & watch. my mom is here - who is EXTREMELY passionate about this & worried to boot. so after the children are sleeping tonight i'm sure we will be glued to el televisor, waiting for history to be made. hoping for change, there has got to be a better way.

i do want to share this before i sign off. my brother-in-law is Algerian and has lived in several different countries in Europe as well. i was told he was amazed at how "free" everyone is here to express their dissent over the government. so we are & can be a great country.

thought for the day

came from my meditation this a.m. - i LOVE THIS. seems to be so true for me.

Meditation for the Day:
"In Thy presence is fullness of joy. At Thy right hand are pleasures forever." We cannot find true happiness by looking for it. Seeking pleasure does not bring happiness in the long run, only disillusionment. Do not seek to have this fullness of joy by seeking pleasure. It cannot be done that way. Happiness is a by-product of living the right kind of life. True happiness comes as a result of living in all respects the way you believe God wants you to live, with regard to yourself and to other people.
Prayer for the Day:
I pray that I may not always seek pleasure as a goal. I pray that I may be content with the happiness that comes when I do the right thing.

for me, being an instant gratifictaion ADDICT, that is quite a concept. but again i find truth in that. the more i think of others & try to give of myself (meaning my time & resources) the fuller, happier i feel/am.

Happy Halloween

a few days later. we trick-or-treated and then went to a festival at a nearby church. it was insane sensory overload. mason had a good time. my mom got to be here for her first halloween with the boys. we've been having a good visit (despite her being sick!)

my superhero

breathe kb, breathe

ok. i'm ok now. i've spoken to the dr., gone to 2 fall festivals & worked out at the gym - i feel much better. burned that excess crazy energy. dr. said stevie c sounds fine. just to watch for fever & continuous bleeding. he put my mind at ease as the er doc could not.
it is a beautiful day. there is much sad & wrong with the world, our country. however i still do believe there is much love & goodness, as i see it & feel it every day. the goal is to spread that.
have a great saturday.

no words for this

ashley todd, i do not care what kind of mental illness you suffer from. what you have done is wrong. disgusting. how dare you? on behalf of decent human beings, how dare you? do you not understand how serious this is?
i can't even continue writing.

rantings of a mad suburban mommy

stephen and i spent 2 hours up in the emergency room at methodist hospital. i'm so glad i don't live in the city anymore - it would have been 3 times that i'm sure.
anyway, when i changed his diaper at 6:00 his penis was swollen & bleeding and VERY UPSETTING TO LOOK AT, REALLY. ITS HIS PENIS MAN. so long story short, per the er doc this is normal as a result of his re-circ. you bet your ass i'm calling dr. gonzalez first thing monday. maybe even page him today. pls note the nurse practitioner paged the on call doctor in his practice & we waited 45 mins and did not hear back. WTF? if you are on call should you not call back?? i'm going to stop there b/c getting pissed off doesn't help.

back to the er, i almost was that crazy lady screaming "why won't anybody help me?!?" but i kept my cool, barely, and contained the tears until the lady got me the lady to take me back & assess stephen. ITS HIS PENIS. i hate this. my little sweet angel baby is ok.

then all of this gets me thinking again about our healthcare system. what mikes company pays monthly, what my frigging copays & deductibles are. and holy crap our system is BROKEN. when oh when oh when will something be done?????
please god help the politicians to do the right things by us. what the crap is so wrong with socialized medicine?? god forbid EVERY MAN WOMAN & CHILD GETS QUALITY MEDICAL TREATMENT WITHOUT WORRYING ABOUT HOW THEY WILL BUY FOOD. i will lay off the caps now. we're only "the greatest country in the world" and people are starving, homeless, dying literally in the streets. when will "WE" realize that there IS a war going on - here. right here. that all of these people are not just lazy, stupid, CHOOSING these lives (ok, i lied about the caps) that we need social programs, we need to help educate so people do have a way out.
holy crap, maybe i do belong in social work. i am so fortunate to have the life i have. i can pay my $100 copay without worry. i am the minority on this!! most of you too are. what are we going to do about this??? i can only pretend for so long that its not happening. yes, i am voting. that is not enough. it is so frustrating.
these presidential candidates better stick by what they say, regardless of who is elected i've been listening to their promises. and the really sad thing is, even if my guy wins i doubt he will do what he says he will. even if he wanted to all of the BS that goes on in "washington" is it possible to really make change???
show me the money baby. i'm watching and waiting.

dewberry farm

we went on our annual trip to the farm with masons school. it was a long day, but fun for the kids. last year i was 9 months preggers on this trip and mason melted-down repeatedly, it was too much for him to have his worlds colliding (mommy & ms. olga at the same time?!?) this year was better, just when it gets to be 11:00 & he hasn't eaten since breakfast it gets a little hairy. glad i went, glad i don't have to go back for a year!

now i've realized that halloween is in one week and we have not picked a pumpkin for carving purposes. when we went to the pumpkin patch in the beginning of the month i thought, hey, i have a whole month. man, time sure does fly when you're having fun. (or sick and counting the minutes till beddtime)

Maria Shriver at CA womens conference

wow, if you have time go read all of this coverage of her speech. i love this lady.

"I realize what's been keeping me from doing it full speed is fear - that's what keeps us from becoming what we want to be. Keeps us frozen in old beliefs. Makes us give up our own power, or worse, prevents us from realizing we have power in the first place. Convinces us we're not capable of doing what it takes to live our own wild and precious life. So many people speaking today learned that themselves by acknowledging their fear and forging ahead."

"From fear to freedom - that's how they got to know who they are or who they could be. Not suggesting any of us overthrow the government or fight the Pentagon. Staying in fear ensures you will feel bad about yourself. If you let fear stop you, you buy into the old message that you are a failure and you're too afraid to be happy."

"I am afraid of the unknown. I'm learning to live with that fear, to keep my mouth shut and watch how it unfolds."

"That moment taught me a really important lesson. You can't wait until the fear goes away to take the action. You have to take the action."

"Feeling afraid isn't weakness. It's the beginning of strength."

poem by Derek Walcott:

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.\

http://momocrats.typepad.com/momocrats/2008/10/ca-womens-confe.html#more

Obamarama baby

Thanks for sharing this with me Kara

home now

everything went fine. it was a LONG day. he was a trooper. he started to get pretty fussy when the doctor ran an hour over but i was able to distract him enough for it to not get too bad, for him & everyone else. he was hungry, i was hungry. he was not allowed to eat, i couldn't bring myself to in his presence.

i DO NOT LIKE seeing my child on pain medication & then doped asleep. (he sure was enjoying the leaves hanging from the ceiling when the initial pain meds kicked in!) he was so uncomfortable when he came to. it is truly a powerless feeling watching your baby being carried away by 2 complete strangers down a long white hall toward uncertainty. ok, i know. it was a basic procedure. but anything can happen.

another awful thing is watching all of the other parents & children in and around the hospital. i am so very grateful for the health of my children. so many have such great struggle, i will not even pretend that i have the right to imagine what they must go through, day in and day out with their suffering children. i get goosebumps just thinking about it.

so now hopefully my son will have a beautifully circumsized penis! kind of makes me re-think circumcision at all. (let me not even mention the deductible we have to meet to pay for this "procedure") but if i have another boy i'll do it again, he can't be different from the other boys in the house!

did i mention my gratitude for my childrens health?????

texas childrens

i am taking stephen today to have the procedure done that will fix his, might i say "botched circumcision". really it is a basic procedure, in effect re-circumcising. however he will be put under to make it possible. so i'm taking him up to tx childrens to have the head of pediatric urology do what he does. i'm nervous, i don't like the idea of anaesthesia, although i know completely necessary. as this procedure is, it IS his penis - one day it will be VERY important to him and i want it to be the best it can be!
so be thinking of my litle guy today. poor guy. of me too as i sit waiting for my little baby to be brought back to me. although he's not such a baby anymore.

happy monday

i've gotten a new sponsor recently. she kindly & lovingly let me know that if i was not praying AND meditating that i indeed am not practicing ALL of the steps (for all of you non-steppers the eleventh step states: we sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with god, as we understood him) let me say i am so grateful, so incredibly grateful for the last four words in that step.

so for almost 8 years i have not been practicing meditation. so in essence i have been talking to god through prayer, just not listening. so as of late i have been attempting this. i don't know how open i am to "hearing" god so to speak (this has brought up alot of stuff for me - is there a god? if so why should he "talk" to me? how do i trust what i receive is something loving/positive/divine not just my BS dressed up??) regardless of all of those questions and doubts i have been starting my day in a new way and its awesome. i truly appreciate the quiet time in the a.m. it helps me greet my sons when they wake up with loving smiles rather than groggy ones.

one thing, of many, i have/am learning from this is that in this life i cannot go it alone. i need guidance. and as i heard many years ago you guys are my god with skin. (which every time i think of that or hear it said i think of a woman that had a few years sober when i got to the program, who now is back out testing the waters and unfortunately has a young daughter she's taking through the wringer with her. makes me sad, but maybe she's out there so i don't have to be?) wow that was a long side thought there. so i need people. people that will tell me the truth. people that are seeking to live an honest, inspired life. people that are trying to be of service to the world around them. i am so blessed to have some amazing people to watch and learn from.

so i am grateful this morning. for many things. i am coming up on a milestone next month - 8 years sober. i am always very introspective & reminiscent around my anniversaries. one of the things i have been aware of is i feel like the chameleon in me is less and less. meaning for so long i tried to be what i thought i was supposed to be in any situation rather than just being myself. whatever that is. areas of my life were treated just like that. separate entities rather than a whole. i feel like they have all collided together so here i am. me in any given situation. so i read that over and it sounds kind of wackadoo (i'm stealing that word from my friend dee because i think it is hysterical!)

i just can't believe what my life is like today. can't imagine what it would look like if my mom had not dragged my butt to treatment. relieved that i let her.

thanks mom, for making that drive. for not just turning your head and trying to sweep the mess of my life under the rug. for having the courage to see the truth, even when i couldn't. and for taking action.

trick or treat smell my feet

something in me wants to say "no, you have to wait until halloween to wear your costume"
why? i'm not really sure. truly cannot think of one good reason.

you go dad

twenty-four hours a day

Meditation for the Day

If your heart is right, your world will be right. The beginning of all reform must be in yourself. It's not what happens to you, it's how you take it. However restricted your circumstances, however little you may be able to remedy financial affairs, you can always turn to your inward self and seeing something not in order there, seek to right it. And as all reform is from within outward, you will always find that the outward is improved as the inward is improved. As you improve yourself, your outward circumstances will change for the better. The power released from within yourself will change your outward life.

Prayer for the Day

I pray that the hidden power within me may be released. I pray that I may not imprison the spirit that is within me.

Dancing Matt

Dave Garrett

any of you that live here in houston heard yesterday about the abc news chopper that went down and killed the two men aboard. Dave Garrett is the father of adam, who mason goes to school with. I did not hear until today when i went in to drop mason off. i am shocked and oh so sad for adam and all that are affected by this tragedy. i did not know either of his parents well, the occasional run in at the park, school or a birthday party here and there. however i feel so sad for the loss. it makes me think what it must be like to be in shelley's shoes, to have to explain to that little boy what happened to his daddy.
a very memorable thing for us and mason that dave did was bring the chopper up to the school last year so the kids could see it up close & go inside. for months and months, even before that, mason would see one in the sky and say "adams dad!!". it was such an exciting thing for him to know someone that flew in one, and then to get to go inside as well.
i'm not sure what to do in these times of loss, that happen every day. except love the ones i love (and be kind to those i don't) and try not to sweat the small stuff (and hopefully carry that perspective with me longer than a few minutes).
love to you all

go team me

i forgot to add that i have lost 5 pounds.
yep, thank you very much. i have been enjoying hitting the gym when i can (and the whole breastfeeding thing isn't hurting either)
now if i would just stop eating the ice cream before bed, imagine the results. but if i work out i can eat what i want, right?

is it election day yet???

i can't take it anymore. i told myself i was done with political news coverage (which of course would include the debates) but i am a glutton for punishment. i am watching. let me just say i know who i'm voting for. i feel strongly about it. there is no sway in this voter. BOTH of these guys are killing me. i'm over it - please november 4th get here.
if you are not like i, if you are an undecided, if you are not planning on voting - i'm not even going to plug my guy - please do some research and go rock the vote.

i haven't had the drive to write as much lately. i've been doing some other things with my free time so haven't taken the few mintues to check in. stephen turned 11 months old yesterday. he is pulling up and taking steps. still is a big ole pain in my you know what in regards to eating. i do not know where he gets his picky nature from, the rest of us will eat pretty much whatever you put in front of us. we have started doing some sleep training again and its actually working, a little bit. still having to pat him a couple/few times a night. cannot believe he is almost one year old. wow.

mike has gout. yes gout. he went to the doctor today because he thought he broke his foot. poor thing, should be better in 24-36 hours. crazy.

off to bed.

mops outing

pics of my pumkins from pumpkin patch

loving fall

it is so absolutley beautiful today. clear, warm, breezy.

i've been meaning to write but have been using my spare time attempting to crochet squares to make into a blanket. and of course in true kb fashion i am ocd-ing over it.

obviously we survived hurricane ike. it was a crazy storm, i'm grateful that when it really rolled in at 3 a.m. on saturday the 13th that it had shifted a little north, therefore it was not as strong as it was predicted to be in my area. many neighbors lost roofs, fences, etc. i am grateful that we replaced the roof when we moved in or i know we would have been flooded out like the neighbors on either side of us. driving around town over the last couple of weeks has been absolutley surreal. still at least 500,000 people do not have power-STILL. thank god for the cool fronts that have come in, although i know not cool enough to make houston texas bearable with no a/c or fans. we were among the first 100,000 out of 2+ MILLION people that got power back within a twelve hour period. statistically that blows my mind, should buy a lottery ticket.
the debris has been overwhelming, pictures of galveston and boliver overwhelming. the outpoor of community support, neighbors helping neighbors, overpowering. it occurs to me quite regularly, even at frustrating four way stops, that people are GOOD. many, many people are GOOD.
our close friends and their two children stayed with us for a week, as their power is still not restored. it was a pleasure to be able to be of service to them, but very hard to have guests for so long. mason had a blast with his buddies isaac & elijah and was sad to see them go. though he has a very hard time with variations in his schedule/routine so he was very senstive and had a rough time with it.

i had a mini breakdown in that time period. feeling powerless over my children. which, wow, i am. i am constantly reminded about surrendering to god. that the control that i think i have, i really don't. by surrendering i actually gain power, freedom, choice. i think most importantly freedom. my feelings/reactions have a way of absolutely overpowering me. and I AM NOT EFFECTIVE in ANY way when i am in that place. i can see it in my child, in my husband, in my attitude. its just a constant battle for me. trying to live humbly, asking that his will be done and trying to follow it. i don't always know what the right thing is. but i do often know what the wrong thing is - yelling at my loved ones, slamming cabinets/doors, being irritable & impatient with my 3 year old for being 3, nagging mike, being too hard on myself, not thinking of others. i'm glad there is a learning curve.

my cup runneth over. sometimes its almost too much for me to take. which i know sounds strange, especially when there are so many out there that struggle & fight just to survive. i GET to ponder things, play with my kids, do laundry, clean dishes, clean house (ha!)

the people that are teaching me to grow up have taught me that gratitude is an action. so what the hell am i doing today to show god that i am grateful?

Ike update

here in the land of sugar the winds are picking up, the skies are filled with clouds, a few rain drops sprinkled down and we just spent as much time this a.m. as we could outside, as we will be stuck inside for a couple of days. the dishes are done, laundry is clean, windows are taped and pantry is stocked. my next order of business is to get the boys down for a nap so mike and i can watch channel 13 without interruption. the last we saw we will be seeing around 40-60 mph winds and of course a whole shitload of rain. so after we relax a bit we are going to take showers and i am going to fill our closet with some supplies JUST IN CASE we end up needing to be holed up in a safe glass-free area.

wow. this is erie. 3 years ago when rita came it was just as scary, if not more so. mason was 9 months old and it was my first confrontation with the fact that, yeah, I AM RESPONSIBLE for someone else's life. now i am responsible for 2. well i guess i should say we. i am blessed with an incredible husband (who lets face it truly irritates the crap out of me on a regular basis) but my life would be less shiny, meaningful and fun without him as my partner. he went and helped out a friend of mine today and secured their patio furniture. he did not even protest or complain. he just did it. what grace.

so we're as ready as we can be.

one positive out of all of this - i have not watched msnbc in 2 days. so no politics or frustrations regarding the presidential race. because i am obsessed and need to be stopped. i have purposely not blogged about it because if i get going then i don't think i will be able to stop.

i am praying for the safety of all of us. i believe God will not give us more than we can handle. but i also believe shit happens to good people. but whatever happens as long as my little sweet angel baby boys (or big grumpy devils - whatever) are safe then it is all good.

see yall when the electricity is back.

Ike MANIA

holy crap. seriously. at 8 a.m. there was no bread, water, bananas, or gas at the local grocery. my neighbor is boarding up his house. i already had my official pre-hurricane freak out.
i'm good now.

10 months

ago today, right now, i was in labor with stephen. he is doing awesome. i think he may be working on another tooth because he is biting ALOT! its a constant struggle to get him to eat anything (except the boobie) he's still waking me up 2-3 times per night. he is crawling around on his bottom and pulling himself up on the couch. he likes to clap and play peek-a-boo. most of all he loves to play with his brother, sometimes mason obliges him.
me, well, i'm tired. all of us except mason has been sick this last week and are still fighting it. i've still managed to get my butt to the gym a couple of times which has felt really nice. i think i finally get it. going to the gym is a way that i can get some time to myself! why didn't you people tell me that, thats a language i speak! what else?
oh, we closed on the house last friday. so we have two tenants and are in the planning stages of our halfway house, wich at the latest will start up next summer when our tentants leases are up.
mason started school two weeks ago and has done really well transitioning back. the only negative is that naptime is increasingly being a struggle. and he won't do it at school, he's just not tired before 2, and thats when i pick him up. at home i try every form of bribery/threatening/deception available to get him to stay in his room for an hour.
booh hiss, i LOVE nap time. stephen and i have enjoyed our time at home together when mason is at school.

laugh out loud funny

saw two movies this weekend:

tropic thunder. ok, i know there's this big controversy regarding the use of the word retard and one of ben stillers characters in the movie. let me just say i am so utterly sensitive to social issues and special needs people. but people this is comedy. as mike says "nothing is sacred in comedy" and i agree with that completely. i'm not saying there are not issues with the way we use language. but with that being said it was FuNnY! tom cruise was freaking hysterical (and he REALLY super bugs me)

knocked up. laughed my you know what off. my favorite part is when they go to vegas on mushrooms. tears came i laughed so hard.

its official

stephen is mobile - he is scooching around on his bottom, getting from a to b. i left him in the den while i cleaned the kitchen this morning (yes i cleaned the kitchen, not just the floor either-the counters, cabinets, etc.) and he made it all the way around the couch to the other end of room. apparently he almost pulled a lamp down on his head as i noticed it half dangling off of the table just now :-) man they'll let anyone be a parent. its a whole new ballgame from here on out.
he and mason also entertaned themselves while i cleaned for almost an hour, thats good stuff.

mason starts back school tomorrow, i'm excited for him (yeah and for me too!!)

now i have shocking news. anyone that knows me knows i view exercise as a four letter word, especially the "gym workout" i can handle the walking/running around the neighborhood but the other stuff freaks me out. not just because i am lazy, but don't get me wrong, I AM LAZZYYY.....
but because i think i'm intimidated by the whole gym "scene"(this coming from a lady whose never worked out in a gym) gotta love the contempt prior to investigation. anyway we joined a gym today. my goals: to swim some of this "baby weight" off, maybe take a yoga class, and most of all help my family & myself live a more active lifestyle. on that note i've been walking to the mailbox (no smart ass whoever you are - i know you're out there, not to the end of my driveway) but two streets away.
go team cottingham

2714 palm st

we had the inspection done yesterday, really pleasantly surprised considering this is an almost 80 year old house we're buying. its going to work out beautifully, i think. we may have to put up/take down some walls to optimize space but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. now we close on the 29th, yes that's next friday!!
the house currently has 2 tenants that we met yesterday, and other than being a little irritated of the inconvenience of having a bunch of people traipsing through their apartments, they seemed very nice. they both just signed their leases in july so we may end up being landlords until next summer, unless we can get them to break lease early.
so we'll see, regardless, the house its perfect so we are one humongous step closer to getting the halfway house up and running.
yeah, go team.

my confessions

guilty pleasures #3 & #4:

neopolitan ice cream

and

Tori & Dean on Oxygen channel. yes, i'm hooked. (and she was the one that bugged me on 90210 - and did you hear they are starting a remake this fall? yes i will dvr & watch. along with greys, lipstick jungle & one tree hill) i thought that pouring my heart and soul out about my kids & insecurities was hard. but divulging my love for these shows - thats the real deal.

milestones

mr. stephen has really been doing some cool stuff lately. first of all he has learned to sit up from a lying position all by himself, he has been trying to pull up to a standing postion, he has been clapping, waving, feeding himself finger foods and helping mommy turn the pages of books when we read.
whew - this all just in the last couple of weeks. they grow so fast.....

regarding my obsessing about his sleep in the previous post, i have to remind myself that every "rough patch" we have been throgh with mason, we have survived. usually better than i thought we would.

so there is my dose of hope for the day.

"sleep training"

well this past week i (we) have been attempting "sleep training" with stephen. whats led up to this is him waking me up every 2-3 hours. seriously, he slept better when he was 2 months old.
so we've been trying the "cry it out method" - meaning he cries, i wait 5 minutes & then go in and pat him. leave, he cries, wait 7 minutes, go pat. and on and on till he falls asleep.
argh, this sucks. it actually got better at night immediately - he will wake up once or twice but go back to sleep after a few minutes of whining. however now he seems completely traumitized at naptime. so long story short, too late - i quit. i can't handle it. i'll sleep when i'm dead.

this leads me to something i've been thinking/feeling about lately. it all ties into being true to self and doing what i feel is best for me & my kids. which - is hard. especially when i struggle with what that truth is in the first place. i feel like if i could just find the answers within myself i could ask god to give me the courage to follow through. maybe i need to be praying for the appropriate questions to ask?

another thing i've been meditating on is that i'm tired of worrying what other people may think of me. and although thats gotten less and less as i grow more and more, its still there. i'm just not interested in living in that anymore. its exhausting. i want freedom so that i may be the best me i can be, for myself & my family. maybe that will come as i continue to make the best well informed & intuitive/god inspired decisions i can - oh and forgive myself WHEN i fall short.

that probably makes no sense, does to me though. probably one of the most important things i can do is cut myself a brake, i can be soooooooooooo serious......

2714 Palm St.

BIG BIG NEWS TODAY......

our offer was accepted - http://search.har.com/engine/harphotogallery.cfm?MLNUM=9580004&leadid=6&portalid=HAR

location: http://www.har.com/MapSearch/default.cfm?mlnum=9580004&leadid=6&sType=0

say hello to the future home of freedom house! it will be a sober living home for recovering alchoholic & drug addicted men seeking a new life & recovery through alcoholics anonymous. we might open up part of the duplex for "young adults" ages 17-25 that will have more stringent rules and additional life building skills taught.

wow, i'm kind of in shock i think. we are still working out part of the contract with the bank, so anything can happen. i feel like we've truly put this in Gods hands, so no matter what happens its all good!

9 months ago today

sweet baby stephen was born

son, you complete my life, i love you

bloggers?

so i'm not really sure who all reads this, but i'm curious to know if any of you have a blog? or have any that you enjoy? if so would you please share with me/us in comments?

i'm not really sure what i get out of this, its an outlet of sorts i guess that has kind of filled a place that used to be filled with adult conversation at work (i do miss those ladies & no i am not going back!) i feel kind of vulnerable sometimes with the things i share. i can get into that "what will they think?" but i guess thats the good part about the blogging - no one there to say really, so i'm free to say what i want. i think its a good way to strengthen myself with, well myself, i guess.

i'm grateful today that god does not make the terms too difficult for those that seek him, her, it.....

stc update

well stephen made the beloved sounds - mama.
and it was pointed out that i didn't share that he's been saying dada for weeks now :-)
so d's, m's, r's, k's, g's, b's - i love his little voice.

freedom house

i posted last weekend that we made an offer on a house for our halfway house, did not get it. apparently it is different when you place a bid for a bank owned property - the offer accepted was actually above the list price. crazy.
so we've continued looking around various areas around town over the last week and weekend. all i can say is deed restrictions, deed restrictions, deed restrictions!
BUT, i may have some news over the next several days about something else we have in the works! so again fear of the unknown...... leads me to faith in god. i truly believe he, she, it - whatever - has my back. mike thinks the worst thing that can happen is that we don't try, i think he's right.

bye bye green blankie

my oh so big boy said goodbye to his favorite blanket today. it has been his most favorite thing for the last two years, before green blanket there was blue blanket (blue was lost when mason threw it out of the window two years ago in a fit driving down eldridge)

it was time to let go, green had all of the edges ripped off and was slowly forming hole after hole. it really had turned into a holey scarf that he would wrap around his neck while he slept.

so i have mentioned to him a couple of times lately that it will be time to say goodbye soon. he comes downstairs this a.m. and says:

"daddy, i'm ready to throw my blanket away now" and he did it. no tears and no regrets, so far.

dream chasing

so mike & i are starting a new journey. it has been a dream of his, one that i've taken on as well, to open up a halfway house for recovering alcoholics, for obvious reasons i think. we want to provide a clean, safe place to give a hand up to people who are trying to get & stay sober. there are a lot of places out there, some good, some not so much. to start we will be a "sober living house" for men. eventually when mike finishes school and gets licensed we will talk about adding counseling services and becoming some sort of facility. at some point i'd like to be able to help women as well, and their children if need be. so the hope is to help people like us get the support and help they need.
so we have been looking for properties in the third ward area, we even made an offer on one this weekend. more will be revealed.
its scary to think about starting this business- success, failure. the unknown probably more than anything.

my girlfriend asked me the other day what i did for a "creative outlet". i had no answer (she pointed out my blog was one) but this is something i've been thinking about for quite awhile, especially this week since i was asked that question. i've never felt like a creative being, actually quite the opposite.

so i had a conversation with a dear friend today and he put something in a way that i have never thought of before. he said the bible says we are created in gods image, so being that god is the creator, that means we all have a creative force inside of us. (not that i'm a serious christian that takes too seriously what i read in the bible - thats a post for a different time) but creativity doesn't have to mean being an artist, musician, etc. or what i've been percieving it to mean. it can be anything really. my children are a creation. our marriage. and as much as i need something for myself i think a good start would be to acknowledge the things that i do create & participate in already. huh, that just came to me. aha.....

so i say all that to say this, i have no idea what that means for me but i'm willing to keep my eyes and heart open to find out. and yet again, more will be revealed.

Love it

my new oreck vacuum cleaner.

mike bought me a new commercial grade oreck vacuum last week, he got a very good deal as he was buying one for his office. so he calls me very excited to tell me about this new vacuum, and i'm like "oh,wow, great, a new vacuum - thanks". now i get it, it is AWESOME.

so now i'm someone who gets excited about (to the point of blogging about it) a piece of equipment i use to clean my house.

great.

goodbye jenn monty....

becca, jessica, jennifer, kathleen, carlotta, silvania, monica, joanna, michelle

well, damn you woman you really are moving to canada.

my new mommy friend jennifer and her family are transferring for her husbands job next week. we met through mason's school, you've heard me talk about, and i've posted pics, of her daughters ryleigh and avery. mason and ryleigh are the best of friends and as a result of them playing so well together, and both jenn and i deciding to stay home after babies #2 were born, she and i have become good friends. the relationship has really helped me transition into this new role and new life. i am grateful to god for putting her and several other mommies into my life when i needed them most. i think the sanity, yes i have sanity, truly has come from sharing my life with others that are on the same path as i.

i love you jenn, i will probably write more about this later ......

we had a going away party for her last saturday. we went to see a show at the alley and went for dinner & drinks at mi luna (well, obviously i did not have drinks :-)) it was awesome, it was the first time in awhile that i did not have a diaper in my purse. and if you've never been to mi luna - you must go with a group and order several things and share all around. thank you daddies for watching the kiddos for so long!

it really is the little things....

ode to my new fence

oh beautiful, beautiful cedar fence. i am so glad you are here and the old rotten one is removed (although it did cost a pretty penny, not even kidding - and none of the neighbors were willing to pitch in for it right now). but times are tough for many - i do sort of feel bad at how absolutely shabby their fences will now look in comparison, well not really!

homeownership sure aint cheap. but it is so nice to have a place to call home. although really the old cliche "home is where the heart is" is so true. i was reminding my friend jennifer the other day, who is moving to canada within weeks now (sniff sniff) that as long as we are with our kiddos and hubbys we are indeed home :-)

oh - p.s.

isn't my honey cute ;-)

i once caught a fish this big......

this too shall pass

so i'm feeling much MUCH better this week. thanks for all of the love i've recieved from the people that i repeatedly vomitted on last week.

patience, tolerance, love even? these are my goals to be focusing on right now. i believe self awareness & knowledge only take you so far, then you, i, must begin to change & take action. so i'm praying to better prepare myself for the difficult times with my kiddos so that i may give to them the love they deserve and the room to grow & be themselves.

i've decided that when mason returns to school next month i will put him in 3 days a week instead of 5. i feel that he gets so much from SMMS, learns so much that i won't even pretend to know how to teach him. but also that its really important for him to be home with me and his brother. so we'll see how that goes, i mentioned returning to school to him today and he was not happy, really quite unhappy, with the idea. ouch, here comes that mommy guilt crap again :-)

we attempted to do toddler time at the library today sfter swim class - they sing, dance & read books. VERY cool - we made it about halfway. i'm seeng that mason struggles with the unknown(wow i wonder where he gets that??) so i will be thinking about how to best help him out with that. so even though we had to leave the library in a blaze of glory, he wants to try again next week.

more later.....