An Evening With & Happy Bday To Me

so friday night a girlfriend and i went to the houston council for a lecture by Dr.'s Harriet Lerner & Brene Brown. the first topic spoken on by Dr. Lerner was "A Blueprint for Courageous and Joyous Relationships" where she covered what she felt were the 10 most significant things we must practice in order to have courage in relationships. they were as follows:
-say what we think/feel about things that matter
-share these things when appropriate
-set boundaries(what we can/can't do)
-calm things down(stop reacting)
-warms things up/speak to the positive. (come from a place of love as my dear friend trish tells me)
-listen to understand
-respect differences
-define the bottom line (deal breakers)
-share strenghts/vulnerabilities in a balanced way
-clarify goals/beliefs/priorities & act accordingly
i highly enjoyed her. her realism, honesty about her own struggles with her sons & family.

Next Dr. Brown spoke on shame, which is were her research for the past ten years lays. she has come up with what she finds in people that do not LIVE in shame. so in the absence of shame she has found:
authenticity, resilience & a sense of love and belonging.
she also discussed ten bullet points on how we achieve this:
-understand shame & practice resilience
-embrace imperfection
-rethink cool & extraordinary
-make space for rest, creativity & gratitude
-hold spirit sacred
-recognize how we protect ourselves from vulnerability
-have hope (which she believ we CAN teach our kids)
-practice forgiveness
-lean into discomfort & pain
-practice self compassion
This woman ROCKS. seriously. i got SO much out of hearing her speak. she spoke about us being wired in our brains to need to be connected. with people. to belong somewhere. to fit.
she spoke of the difference between shame & guilt. that shame is the voice that says "I Am" and guilt is "I Did". That freedom from shame comes from speaking it. apparently there are new studies that show that shame is stored as trauma (and this is where she lost me with the neurobiology technical jargon stuff) in some part of the brain. thats pretty deep stuff, there is actually a physical component here.
my favorite quote from her of the evening was:
"let go of who we are supposed to be and embrace who we are."
yes, amen sister.

it was fun to go out and do something grown up with a friend and hear these phenomenal women speak. how the hell do they do it? i can't imagine balancing that all. frankly i just don't have that kind of ambition! not now anyway!

so happy birthday to me yesterday. i celebrated my sobriety anniversary - 8 years.
8 freakin years. wow. i've been so busy thinking about halfway house stuff i haven't thought too much about this, i think i was more reflective last month.

i am grateful that for the most part, and i'm still striving for this, me is what you get wherever you may run into me. that's something that brene touched on on friday. that wherever i show up, be it church, kids school, aa, with mommy friends - that i'm the same person. that has not always been the case for me. its really in the last year or so i think that i've been consciously striving for that kind of authenticity. and its not easy. i can get very wrapped up in "cool" and what i think you think i should be (which lets face it is not even always based in reality)
so yes 8 years later i'm a loon. but a happy, peaceful, content, OK loon. a SOBER one. and as long as i'm that i have the oppurtunity to do anything. be anything. grow, change, make mistakes, say i'm sorry, laugh my ass off, feel the pain, feel the joy, just be OK. freedom rocks!

so here's a shout out to all of my aa friends that have come before me to show me the way, the people that have come with and after me to trudge the road with, my "normie" friends - you know who you are! for accepting me and showing me that wow, people are really just people and yall aren't so normal afterall!! to my mom, my sisters, my mother-in-law (who has loved & treated me like a daughter) to mike- my hubby, my partner, my best friend - who "saw the potential" and i hope still does! for believing in me, loving me, supporting me, holding me, giving me the freedom to live my dreams, FOR MAKING ME LAUGH, for being so damn cute! to my boys for being born, for helping me see the good the bad & the ugly in myself, for teaching me unconditional love. and of course i would be nothing without God, the spirit, the power, the LOVE, everything good in all of us.
i love you all, warts and all, i suppose!