happy monday

i've gotten a new sponsor recently. she kindly & lovingly let me know that if i was not praying AND meditating that i indeed am not practicing ALL of the steps (for all of you non-steppers the eleventh step states: we sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with god, as we understood him) let me say i am so grateful, so incredibly grateful for the last four words in that step.

so for almost 8 years i have not been practicing meditation. so in essence i have been talking to god through prayer, just not listening. so as of late i have been attempting this. i don't know how open i am to "hearing" god so to speak (this has brought up alot of stuff for me - is there a god? if so why should he "talk" to me? how do i trust what i receive is something loving/positive/divine not just my BS dressed up??) regardless of all of those questions and doubts i have been starting my day in a new way and its awesome. i truly appreciate the quiet time in the a.m. it helps me greet my sons when they wake up with loving smiles rather than groggy ones.

one thing, of many, i have/am learning from this is that in this life i cannot go it alone. i need guidance. and as i heard many years ago you guys are my god with skin. (which every time i think of that or hear it said i think of a woman that had a few years sober when i got to the program, who now is back out testing the waters and unfortunately has a young daughter she's taking through the wringer with her. makes me sad, but maybe she's out there so i don't have to be?) wow that was a long side thought there. so i need people. people that will tell me the truth. people that are seeking to live an honest, inspired life. people that are trying to be of service to the world around them. i am so blessed to have some amazing people to watch and learn from.

so i am grateful this morning. for many things. i am coming up on a milestone next month - 8 years sober. i am always very introspective & reminiscent around my anniversaries. one of the things i have been aware of is i feel like the chameleon in me is less and less. meaning for so long i tried to be what i thought i was supposed to be in any situation rather than just being myself. whatever that is. areas of my life were treated just like that. separate entities rather than a whole. i feel like they have all collided together so here i am. me in any given situation. so i read that over and it sounds kind of wackadoo (i'm stealing that word from my friend dee because i think it is hysterical!)

i just can't believe what my life is like today. can't imagine what it would look like if my mom had not dragged my butt to treatment. relieved that i let her.

thanks mom, for making that drive. for not just turning your head and trying to sweep the mess of my life under the rug. for having the courage to see the truth, even when i couldn't. and for taking action.

dream chasing

so mike & i are starting a new journey. it has been a dream of his, one that i've taken on as well, to open up a halfway house for recovering alcoholics, for obvious reasons i think. we want to provide a clean, safe place to give a hand up to people who are trying to get & stay sober. there are a lot of places out there, some good, some not so much. to start we will be a "sober living house" for men. eventually when mike finishes school and gets licensed we will talk about adding counseling services and becoming some sort of facility. at some point i'd like to be able to help women as well, and their children if need be. so the hope is to help people like us get the support and help they need.
so we have been looking for properties in the third ward area, we even made an offer on one this weekend. more will be revealed.
its scary to think about starting this business- success, failure. the unknown probably more than anything.

my girlfriend asked me the other day what i did for a "creative outlet". i had no answer (she pointed out my blog was one) but this is something i've been thinking about for quite awhile, especially this week since i was asked that question. i've never felt like a creative being, actually quite the opposite.

so i had a conversation with a dear friend today and he put something in a way that i have never thought of before. he said the bible says we are created in gods image, so being that god is the creator, that means we all have a creative force inside of us. (not that i'm a serious christian that takes too seriously what i read in the bible - thats a post for a different time) but creativity doesn't have to mean being an artist, musician, etc. or what i've been percieving it to mean. it can be anything really. my children are a creation. our marriage. and as much as i need something for myself i think a good start would be to acknowledge the things that i do create & participate in already. huh, that just came to me. aha.....

so i say all that to say this, i have no idea what that means for me but i'm willing to keep my eyes and heart open to find out. and yet again, more will be revealed.

aha moment

i had an aha moment today as i cooked chicken enchiladas (which were very yummy).
i felt very self satisfied - we went to see the houston symphony put on a kids show this morning, so i did something fabulously stimulating and educational, i cleaned the house and cooked a delicious homecooked meal. so it dawned on me that i felt like superwoman, which is great, but instead of feeling bad about myself when i get nothing done in a day, i can just be pleased with myself when i do. i know this is an obvious concept, i guess i just internalized it.
i've been working on letting go of the "shoulds" and just letting what is, be. a struggle i have is comparing myself to others, and thats a bunch of hoo-ha. i am who and what i am and i have got to give myself a break sometimes.

i am grateful for my children today, my health and for homeade toffee :-)