happy monday

i've gotten a new sponsor recently. she kindly & lovingly let me know that if i was not praying AND meditating that i indeed am not practicing ALL of the steps (for all of you non-steppers the eleventh step states: we sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with god, as we understood him) let me say i am so grateful, so incredibly grateful for the last four words in that step.

so for almost 8 years i have not been practicing meditation. so in essence i have been talking to god through prayer, just not listening. so as of late i have been attempting this. i don't know how open i am to "hearing" god so to speak (this has brought up alot of stuff for me - is there a god? if so why should he "talk" to me? how do i trust what i receive is something loving/positive/divine not just my BS dressed up??) regardless of all of those questions and doubts i have been starting my day in a new way and its awesome. i truly appreciate the quiet time in the a.m. it helps me greet my sons when they wake up with loving smiles rather than groggy ones.

one thing, of many, i have/am learning from this is that in this life i cannot go it alone. i need guidance. and as i heard many years ago you guys are my god with skin. (which every time i think of that or hear it said i think of a woman that had a few years sober when i got to the program, who now is back out testing the waters and unfortunately has a young daughter she's taking through the wringer with her. makes me sad, but maybe she's out there so i don't have to be?) wow that was a long side thought there. so i need people. people that will tell me the truth. people that are seeking to live an honest, inspired life. people that are trying to be of service to the world around them. i am so blessed to have some amazing people to watch and learn from.

so i am grateful this morning. for many things. i am coming up on a milestone next month - 8 years sober. i am always very introspective & reminiscent around my anniversaries. one of the things i have been aware of is i feel like the chameleon in me is less and less. meaning for so long i tried to be what i thought i was supposed to be in any situation rather than just being myself. whatever that is. areas of my life were treated just like that. separate entities rather than a whole. i feel like they have all collided together so here i am. me in any given situation. so i read that over and it sounds kind of wackadoo (i'm stealing that word from my friend dee because i think it is hysterical!)

i just can't believe what my life is like today. can't imagine what it would look like if my mom had not dragged my butt to treatment. relieved that i let her.

thanks mom, for making that drive. for not just turning your head and trying to sweep the mess of my life under the rug. for having the courage to see the truth, even when i couldn't. and for taking action.