step it up

thanksgiving morning we are all sitting on the couch and stephen took his first step on his own. from daddy at one couch over to me at the other. it was so beautiful. it was in slow-mo. i was just starting to say how he is getting better balance and wah-lah. go cookie go.

happy thanksgiving, freedom house, oh my....

this week has been crazy....

my sister becky came for a visit on wednesday. it was, as always, awesome to see her. she is an amazing woman, she is a rock for me. thanks for all your help sista. we cooked a yummy scrumptious thanksgiving feast for my little family. and as you can see i have become "one of those people" who decorate their house for christmas, on thanksgiving. yeah. we also went to the parade downtown thursday morning and it was really a lot of fun. the ponies were my favorite part!

so i was planning on doing this post about gratitude and giving thanks for who i am and the life i have the privelege of being a part of. but I AM GRUMPY. and have been. i have spent the last 3 days running around like a mad woman, close to an anxiety attack, trying to get stuff done for freedom house. which ta da, will be opening tomorrow. we have gotten many calls from fliers we sent out and even one today from a guy that found us on the internet! wow, that is so exciting!! we have a temporary house manager setup and our first resident is moving in, well tonight really. so i have been making lists and attempting not to physically harm my hubby and kids. mike and i handle stress SO DIFFERENTLY. he goes into procrastination and the attitude of "everything will work out" (which it will. but, hello, we have to do stuff to make it so) and i wake up in the middle of the night thinking about what is to be done the next day. he makes me nuts sometimes. a cool thing is that i realize i handle stress better than i used to. i can breathe, i can calm down, i can take my grubby little hands off of things, sometimes.

a few bday pics, more to come

prayer for today

from 24 Hours a Day meditation book:

"I pray that today I may do the next thing, the unselfish thing, the loving thing. I pray that I may be content with doing small things as long as they are right. "

happy birthday boys

we had the boys' party today, and i think it was a hit. everyone seemed to really enjoy themselves and there were minimal issues between children. my lovely, dear friend sarah took pictures (i love you, love you!) so when she gets those to me i will post some. the big kids bounced, ran, wrestled. the babies played inside with toys, a few of them braved the bouncy house. stephen LOVED it. they set it up around 9 this a.m. so we got to have some family bounce time. he was rolling around & giggling. it was awesome!
i have to say i absolutely love my friends and their kids. i have some of the most kind, generous people in my life.

dear mason

today is your fourth birthday. fourth. four years ago today you had just been born. i was exhausted and relieved and scared and completely unsure of myself. but i was sure of you. that you were perfect, beautiful, the most important thing in my life. and you still are. you are too smart for your own damn good. you are stubborn, funny, sensititve, curious, impatient, serious. you CONSTANTLY push the limit to see how far i will let you go. i constantly let you go too far. but we work it out, mostly. your imagination caught on fire this past year. you enjoy playing bad guys, being outside, making "work" - which are piles of paper, receipts, pictures (really anything you can get your hands on) and putting them on the kitchen & dining room tables. (i love this by the way -ha!) your little brother was born this year and i cannot tell you how kind, tender, loving, patient you have been with him. (as you yell at him right now) you loved to kiss him & hug him when he first came home. he has finally gotten big enough to play with you and you LOVE it. you are an awesome big brother, so protective & pushy!
the day you were born was the single-most life changing event of my life. you have taught me what it means to love unconditionally, how to live for someone else, also in turn the great necessity for taking care of myself, for if i do not do that i am worthless to you.
i love you. i love you. i love you. thank you for being the spunky, spirited kiddo you are.
love,
mommy

argh

am i the only one whose kid's high-pitched screeching causes a physical reaction. cringing, hair raising cringing? stephen can hit notes that, well that are quite impressive actually. eeeek.

i feel much better today than i did yesterday & the day before. we (meaning mike) has finally had conversations with a couple of our neighbors over by the halfway house. needless to say they are not happy (meaning totally f-ing pissed off) which i totally GET. i would be too. we knew the reactions that we would recieve. but i feel bad. the point is to help people, maybe help change a few lives. not cause harm. however i know that wherever we went someone would have to deal with us being there. so the doubt, the fear, the wanting to hide under my covers resurfaces. and i feel tired. which i'm coming to see is the way that i deal with stress & feelings - i get tired. fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on ones perspective, having two kids does not allow one to hide under the covers. not even for a couple of hours. damn. regardless of how the neighbors percieve us, we will press on. we are completely within our rights to do what we are doing, and frankly this is the best area suited for it.
another fun item of business, we are pushing back our opening. we are having to make sure we are up to the city firse marshalls code. we did not get accurate info regarding this initially so we are in the process of verifying what we need to do. good times.

so more will be revealed. whatever will be will be.

An Evening With & Happy Bday To Me

so friday night a girlfriend and i went to the houston council for a lecture by Dr.'s Harriet Lerner & Brene Brown. the first topic spoken on by Dr. Lerner was "A Blueprint for Courageous and Joyous Relationships" where she covered what she felt were the 10 most significant things we must practice in order to have courage in relationships. they were as follows:
-say what we think/feel about things that matter
-share these things when appropriate
-set boundaries(what we can/can't do)
-calm things down(stop reacting)
-warms things up/speak to the positive. (come from a place of love as my dear friend trish tells me)
-listen to understand
-respect differences
-define the bottom line (deal breakers)
-share strenghts/vulnerabilities in a balanced way
-clarify goals/beliefs/priorities & act accordingly
i highly enjoyed her. her realism, honesty about her own struggles with her sons & family.

Next Dr. Brown spoke on shame, which is were her research for the past ten years lays. she has come up with what she finds in people that do not LIVE in shame. so in the absence of shame she has found:
authenticity, resilience & a sense of love and belonging.
she also discussed ten bullet points on how we achieve this:
-understand shame & practice resilience
-embrace imperfection
-rethink cool & extraordinary
-make space for rest, creativity & gratitude
-hold spirit sacred
-recognize how we protect ourselves from vulnerability
-have hope (which she believ we CAN teach our kids)
-practice forgiveness
-lean into discomfort & pain
-practice self compassion
This woman ROCKS. seriously. i got SO much out of hearing her speak. she spoke about us being wired in our brains to need to be connected. with people. to belong somewhere. to fit.
she spoke of the difference between shame & guilt. that shame is the voice that says "I Am" and guilt is "I Did". That freedom from shame comes from speaking it. apparently there are new studies that show that shame is stored as trauma (and this is where she lost me with the neurobiology technical jargon stuff) in some part of the brain. thats pretty deep stuff, there is actually a physical component here.
my favorite quote from her of the evening was:
"let go of who we are supposed to be and embrace who we are."
yes, amen sister.

it was fun to go out and do something grown up with a friend and hear these phenomenal women speak. how the hell do they do it? i can't imagine balancing that all. frankly i just don't have that kind of ambition! not now anyway!

so happy birthday to me yesterday. i celebrated my sobriety anniversary - 8 years.
8 freakin years. wow. i've been so busy thinking about halfway house stuff i haven't thought too much about this, i think i was more reflective last month.

i am grateful that for the most part, and i'm still striving for this, me is what you get wherever you may run into me. that's something that brene touched on on friday. that wherever i show up, be it church, kids school, aa, with mommy friends - that i'm the same person. that has not always been the case for me. its really in the last year or so i think that i've been consciously striving for that kind of authenticity. and its not easy. i can get very wrapped up in "cool" and what i think you think i should be (which lets face it is not even always based in reality)
so yes 8 years later i'm a loon. but a happy, peaceful, content, OK loon. a SOBER one. and as long as i'm that i have the oppurtunity to do anything. be anything. grow, change, make mistakes, say i'm sorry, laugh my ass off, feel the pain, feel the joy, just be OK. freedom rocks!

so here's a shout out to all of my aa friends that have come before me to show me the way, the people that have come with and after me to trudge the road with, my "normie" friends - you know who you are! for accepting me and showing me that wow, people are really just people and yall aren't so normal afterall!! to my mom, my sisters, my mother-in-law (who has loved & treated me like a daughter) to mike- my hubby, my partner, my best friend - who "saw the potential" and i hope still does! for believing in me, loving me, supporting me, holding me, giving me the freedom to live my dreams, FOR MAKING ME LAUGH, for being so damn cute! to my boys for being born, for helping me see the good the bad & the ugly in myself, for teaching me unconditional love. and of course i would be nothing without God, the spirit, the power, the LOVE, everything good in all of us.
i love you all, warts and all, i suppose!

miracle

good morning. from my meditation today:

My Declaration of Self-Esteem: "I am me. In all the world there is no one else exactly like me. There are persons who have some parts like me, but no one adds up exactly like me. Therefore, everything that comes out of me is authentically mine because I alone chose it".--Virginia Satir

did you see the amazing moon last night/this morning? i'm not sure if it is full but it is big & bright & fabulous! bring on the cold front! mr. stephen slept until 5 a.m.! thats 8.5 hours people. woo-hoo. keep it coming.

so after a convo i had yesterday i am thinking about where i was eight years ago today. 3 days before i took what i hope is to be my last drink/drug. all i can say is wow. how could i possibly doubt the power that exists in and around me?
on a side note i think i have finally found peace with calling my god "it" versus "he". in this instance pronoun acceptanc is very important for me and i've struggled for, well, eight years now. its neutral, gender neutral, and i find i can connect better with that.
anyway - eight years ago i was at the "jumping off place" where i could not picture continuing to live life the way i was, but also could not imagine it any other way. it was unbareable, painful, hopeless, scary, ugly. i was going down and i was SO pissed off about it, i wanted to take you with me. i thought that that was it, stuck forever in that life.
but here i am. still me. but my goodness, such a better me. healthier. happier. not QUITE so crazy. FREE. from - addiction, myself (mostly), fear of the future, failures of the past, anger. thats not to say these things do not appear for me, regularly even, but they are not my permanent state of being.

the sun is coming up and it is pink & purple & blue. i used to watch the sun come up in a drunken & drug induced craze & watch people leave for work & their lives as i was going home to pass out. i HATED you normal people. I SO WANTED TO BE ONE OF YOU. and here i am.

miracles do happen.

happy tuesday

i am going to sign up stevie for school today. sniff sniff. i feel like a new mom doing this, not one who's oldest kid has been in school for 3 years.

a friend told me yesterday that i make smart babies. you know what? she's right! stephen has begun playing peek-a-boo, covering his face with his hands peek-a-boo. its the cutest damn thing. when he sees mike he sticks out his tongue, when is that man going to learn that these games he teaches our kids tend to come bite us on the bootie later? like when he thought it was HYSTERICAL to say "you know who? chicken poo!" to mason. and then mason would not stop saying it, for like a year. at school. yeah.

damn i love my husband, he sure does know how to make those boys laugh.
man its raining, again. my grass & plants are happy as they are completely h2o deprived when mother nature leaves it up to me. i am ready for this weekend, for the cold.
i get to go spend some time with some of my mommy friends this morning and i haven't gotten to do that in awhile. its one of my favorite things that i haven't been able to do in awhile.
one of the best things ever, other mommies to share the journey with. what the hell would i do without you ladies? i'd be a babbling idiot, more so than i am presently.

we recieved our first inquiry into our halfway house last night, so if homeboy sticks around we will have 2 clients when we open. this guy is actually a husband of an old friend of mine, but apparently he got our flier somehow. i am SO excited.

auntie becky

i found out today one of my most favoritest people in the entire world, my sister becky, will come to visit us for thanksgiving.
yay yay yay. my heart feels lighter knowing i will see her soon, not that it felt especially heavy!but this absolutely makes me oh so happy.
love you sis, can't wait to see you!

sleep training

we've begun sleep training again. friday night was a long night, he cried the first round for a little over an hour - we took turns going in every 5ish minutes or so. second time it was under 30 minutes. last night was better - only had to go in once & he barely cried. so wow, they don't lie. it actually works. and he is okay, so far no irreversible trauma has occured. none we can see anyway.

i have decided to start him in a little mothers day out program. i am going in tuesday to register him. so i think he will start next tuesday. every tues & thurs from 9-2. i feel this is a good thing but i feel incredibly GUILTY. because i am afterall a stay at home mom. what kind of a mother am i? plus i don't deserve the time to myself. i should always be DOING DOING DOING. blah blah blah. i think this will be good for him. get him used to being away from me a little bit. will enable me to get some things done for our business without toting around the little guy. i will be able to clean the house, go to the gym, hit a meeting - withouth having to worry about him. that sounds like the life of leisure, that i don't deserve. i'm not sure where i got that idea, but its sucky.

sigh, i still feel guilty. what is it about mothers and guilt? (or this mother anyway) his birthday was nice. we sang happy birthday off and on all day. played with balloons. went to the park. ate cupcakes. i cannot believe he is one! wow, time moves so fast.

on another note we went by the house today to drop off a dresser i bought this week - and i forgot HOW AB FAB IT IS GOING TO BE AS A HALFWAY HOUSE!! holy crap. it is so incredibly perfect! i dropped fliers in the mail last week announcing its openeing on december 1st and have every day been giving it up to God-well trying to. if we build it, they will come. right? we will have a client beginning the 1st, a friend of mikes get out of treatment on the first, and will be moving in. (assuming he doesn't twist off in the meantime. which, lets face it, who the hell knows)

so i feel good about that, still so much to do. so much.

here's to another week. grateful i am alive to experience it. found out this a.m. a member of a group i go to passed away on wednesday. he was sober 35 years and died due to complications related to a brain surgery he had. he was an interesting bird. he seemed okay with himself, his family, with God.
we'll miss you Jim Moon.

dear stephen

happy birthday my sweet boy. i cannot believe that you have already been in my life for one year. you are my little mamma's boy. it is difficult for me at times because i feel as if i am not satisfying your needs because you whine & cry quite often with me but play happily with your dad. that is ok, we are who we are and i love the relationship that we have. you wake me up still several times a night. this makes me nuts!! however i see the beauty in it, that what you want is to be close to me, to be comforted back to sleep. i'm sorry to tell you that we are starting sleep training again tonight. it will be a rough few days, but i think you are ready to learn to calm yourself. i think this is important, i think your rest will be better and you won' be so tired in the morning. still through the no sleep & clingy-ness you bring so much joy to my life. you love to play peek-aboo, "donk" with your brother & dad, to be tickled, to climb the stairs, take baths, to be outside. your laugh & gap toothed smile is infectious. you are so smart! when you are mad you pout and scream (loudly in a high pitch). you sometimes pinch and swat too, which we are taking care of! you like playing with your baby friends, especially the bigger ones!
a year ago today i was waiting to hear from the hospital that it was okay for me to be induced. i scheduled induction so that i could arrange for mimi to watch brother and have the help she needed on hand. finally at around 4:00 we were told it was okay to go in. we spent the day together, went on a walk, daddy ate chinese food - i STARVED! daddy & i were so excited, we couldn't wait to meet you. having mason was the best thing either of us had ever done, we loved him so much and could not wait to experience life with two loves like that, not to mention the love we have for one another. so we went to the hospital, everyone thought we were crazy for beginning so late in the day. but we did. labor was pretty quick, all in all about 5 hours. you were born around 11:30 in the evening. mimi was a little disappointed, she wanted you to come out after midnight so yall would share a birthday.
when i first saw you i thought how much you looked like mason when he was a baby. looking at pictures now i don't know that you did. i loved you instantly. i wasn't sure what to expect, when mason was born it took some time for me to adjust to the fact that i was a mommy and he was mine. i guess since i was already a mom it was instantaneous with you being the second. you had flat ears and long sideburns, daddy & i giggled. i felt great! although tired i was ready to go home & we did a day later. mason came to meet you in the hospital and was so gentle & loving. i think that is my most favorite memory up to that time, seeing him hold you & smile. sinced then there have been many times that yall are playing or hugging or laughing, that i feel love for you both & this life so strongly that, well i'm not sure what. but its better than anything else in the world.
so long story short, you are awesome. absolutely amazing. i am so grateful that you are my kid, that we get to be together as much as we do. that our family has one another, forever.
i love you
mama

freedom house

we have a tentative opening date of 12/1/08. which is contingent on us finding a house manager, i guess. SO MUCH to be done. tenant #1 moved out on saturday, so we are on the move. this week i've been in the place of - "holy crap. this is really happening. we're really doing this. there is a laundry list of things to be done & i don't know where to start" wanted to bury my head in the sand & do nothing. sound familiar? whats the deal with that reflex? the appropriate reaction is - ok, whats first? which i have finally arrived at.
so here i am. doing whats in front of me & i realized yesterday that I AM AFRAID. of failure, of success, of the unknown, of money, of responsibility (says the mother of 2, ha)
this is such a big deal for us. having the courage to do the work is what i'm up against, i feel like i can trust god to do his part. its ME i'm worried about!
but, i am woman. hear me roar. i am strong. i am competent. i am worthy. i am.....crap the baby woke up :-)
so they say courage is walking through fear, not not having it in the first place.
so i will walk. (we will walk. what a gift)

good times

i am not going to go on and on and on about how thrilled i am that Mr. Barrack Obama is going to be our next president. his speech on tuesday was phenomenal. i really BELIEVE this guy. i believe that he has what it takes to fix our economy, fix our healthcare, mend our relationships with other countries in the world (at least some of them. at least to make them stop laughing at us) etc etc etc. i am so excited & inspired to have an intelligent man be our next president. (no offense W, well actually, yes - you should take offense. i will be glad to see you go) i also have to give props to Senator McCain for his speech, the message he carried of unity & moving forward.

my children will never know a world where a black man "can't" be president of the USA. no i was not alive during segregation. but i get what this means. i believe that this man and the people who voted for him, even the ones that didn't, have the power to change our nation - our world maybe? to shatter our completely whacked out belief systems, our fear of one another. to silence the "old tapes" in us that play in even the most educated, open-minded of people.

this is going to be good.

ah, election day

praise mary & the sweet baby jesus. this election season is coming to a close.

i've done my part, casted my ballot (absolutely got chills when doing so. i am so honored to have voted for who i hope wil be the first african-american president of the old USofA. remember where all men (and women, ach-em)are created equal?) i hope we as a people are growing over the barriers of race, gender, sexual orientation, religion, etc.
not to get too hippie-dippie here. but like john lennon sang - imagine all of the people, one world...etc... and no mr. lennon, you are not the only one. (ok, that was a little much)

so now today we sit & wait & watch. my mom is here - who is EXTREMELY passionate about this & worried to boot. so after the children are sleeping tonight i'm sure we will be glued to el televisor, waiting for history to be made. hoping for change, there has got to be a better way.

i do want to share this before i sign off. my brother-in-law is Algerian and has lived in several different countries in Europe as well. i was told he was amazed at how "free" everyone is here to express their dissent over the government. so we are & can be a great country.

thought for the day

came from my meditation this a.m. - i LOVE THIS. seems to be so true for me.

Meditation for the Day:
"In Thy presence is fullness of joy. At Thy right hand are pleasures forever." We cannot find true happiness by looking for it. Seeking pleasure does not bring happiness in the long run, only disillusionment. Do not seek to have this fullness of joy by seeking pleasure. It cannot be done that way. Happiness is a by-product of living the right kind of life. True happiness comes as a result of living in all respects the way you believe God wants you to live, with regard to yourself and to other people.
Prayer for the Day:
I pray that I may not always seek pleasure as a goal. I pray that I may be content with the happiness that comes when I do the right thing.

for me, being an instant gratifictaion ADDICT, that is quite a concept. but again i find truth in that. the more i think of others & try to give of myself (meaning my time & resources) the fuller, happier i feel/am.

Happy Halloween

a few days later. we trick-or-treated and then went to a festival at a nearby church. it was insane sensory overload. mason had a good time. my mom got to be here for her first halloween with the boys. we've been having a good visit (despite her being sick!)