my superhero

breathe kb, breathe

ok. i'm ok now. i've spoken to the dr., gone to 2 fall festivals & worked out at the gym - i feel much better. burned that excess crazy energy. dr. said stevie c sounds fine. just to watch for fever & continuous bleeding. he put my mind at ease as the er doc could not.
it is a beautiful day. there is much sad & wrong with the world, our country. however i still do believe there is much love & goodness, as i see it & feel it every day. the goal is to spread that.
have a great saturday.

no words for this

ashley todd, i do not care what kind of mental illness you suffer from. what you have done is wrong. disgusting. how dare you? on behalf of decent human beings, how dare you? do you not understand how serious this is?
i can't even continue writing.

rantings of a mad suburban mommy

stephen and i spent 2 hours up in the emergency room at methodist hospital. i'm so glad i don't live in the city anymore - it would have been 3 times that i'm sure.
anyway, when i changed his diaper at 6:00 his penis was swollen & bleeding and VERY UPSETTING TO LOOK AT, REALLY. ITS HIS PENIS MAN. so long story short, per the er doc this is normal as a result of his re-circ. you bet your ass i'm calling dr. gonzalez first thing monday. maybe even page him today. pls note the nurse practitioner paged the on call doctor in his practice & we waited 45 mins and did not hear back. WTF? if you are on call should you not call back?? i'm going to stop there b/c getting pissed off doesn't help.

back to the er, i almost was that crazy lady screaming "why won't anybody help me?!?" but i kept my cool, barely, and contained the tears until the lady got me the lady to take me back & assess stephen. ITS HIS PENIS. i hate this. my little sweet angel baby is ok.

then all of this gets me thinking again about our healthcare system. what mikes company pays monthly, what my frigging copays & deductibles are. and holy crap our system is BROKEN. when oh when oh when will something be done?????
please god help the politicians to do the right things by us. what the crap is so wrong with socialized medicine?? god forbid EVERY MAN WOMAN & CHILD GETS QUALITY MEDICAL TREATMENT WITHOUT WORRYING ABOUT HOW THEY WILL BUY FOOD. i will lay off the caps now. we're only "the greatest country in the world" and people are starving, homeless, dying literally in the streets. when will "WE" realize that there IS a war going on - here. right here. that all of these people are not just lazy, stupid, CHOOSING these lives (ok, i lied about the caps) that we need social programs, we need to help educate so people do have a way out.
holy crap, maybe i do belong in social work. i am so fortunate to have the life i have. i can pay my $100 copay without worry. i am the minority on this!! most of you too are. what are we going to do about this??? i can only pretend for so long that its not happening. yes, i am voting. that is not enough. it is so frustrating.
these presidential candidates better stick by what they say, regardless of who is elected i've been listening to their promises. and the really sad thing is, even if my guy wins i doubt he will do what he says he will. even if he wanted to all of the BS that goes on in "washington" is it possible to really make change???
show me the money baby. i'm watching and waiting.

dewberry farm

we went on our annual trip to the farm with masons school. it was a long day, but fun for the kids. last year i was 9 months preggers on this trip and mason melted-down repeatedly, it was too much for him to have his worlds colliding (mommy & ms. olga at the same time?!?) this year was better, just when it gets to be 11:00 & he hasn't eaten since breakfast it gets a little hairy. glad i went, glad i don't have to go back for a year!

now i've realized that halloween is in one week and we have not picked a pumpkin for carving purposes. when we went to the pumpkin patch in the beginning of the month i thought, hey, i have a whole month. man, time sure does fly when you're having fun. (or sick and counting the minutes till beddtime)

Maria Shriver at CA womens conference

wow, if you have time go read all of this coverage of her speech. i love this lady.

"I realize what's been keeping me from doing it full speed is fear - that's what keeps us from becoming what we want to be. Keeps us frozen in old beliefs. Makes us give up our own power, or worse, prevents us from realizing we have power in the first place. Convinces us we're not capable of doing what it takes to live our own wild and precious life. So many people speaking today learned that themselves by acknowledging their fear and forging ahead."

"From fear to freedom - that's how they got to know who they are or who they could be. Not suggesting any of us overthrow the government or fight the Pentagon. Staying in fear ensures you will feel bad about yourself. If you let fear stop you, you buy into the old message that you are a failure and you're too afraid to be happy."

"I am afraid of the unknown. I'm learning to live with that fear, to keep my mouth shut and watch how it unfolds."

"That moment taught me a really important lesson. You can't wait until the fear goes away to take the action. You have to take the action."

"Feeling afraid isn't weakness. It's the beginning of strength."

poem by Derek Walcott:

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.\

http://momocrats.typepad.com/momocrats/2008/10/ca-womens-confe.html#more

Obamarama baby

Thanks for sharing this with me Kara

home now

everything went fine. it was a LONG day. he was a trooper. he started to get pretty fussy when the doctor ran an hour over but i was able to distract him enough for it to not get too bad, for him & everyone else. he was hungry, i was hungry. he was not allowed to eat, i couldn't bring myself to in his presence.

i DO NOT LIKE seeing my child on pain medication & then doped asleep. (he sure was enjoying the leaves hanging from the ceiling when the initial pain meds kicked in!) he was so uncomfortable when he came to. it is truly a powerless feeling watching your baby being carried away by 2 complete strangers down a long white hall toward uncertainty. ok, i know. it was a basic procedure. but anything can happen.

another awful thing is watching all of the other parents & children in and around the hospital. i am so very grateful for the health of my children. so many have such great struggle, i will not even pretend that i have the right to imagine what they must go through, day in and day out with their suffering children. i get goosebumps just thinking about it.

so now hopefully my son will have a beautifully circumsized penis! kind of makes me re-think circumcision at all. (let me not even mention the deductible we have to meet to pay for this "procedure") but if i have another boy i'll do it again, he can't be different from the other boys in the house!

did i mention my gratitude for my childrens health?????

texas childrens

i am taking stephen today to have the procedure done that will fix his, might i say "botched circumcision". really it is a basic procedure, in effect re-circumcising. however he will be put under to make it possible. so i'm taking him up to tx childrens to have the head of pediatric urology do what he does. i'm nervous, i don't like the idea of anaesthesia, although i know completely necessary. as this procedure is, it IS his penis - one day it will be VERY important to him and i want it to be the best it can be!
so be thinking of my litle guy today. poor guy. of me too as i sit waiting for my little baby to be brought back to me. although he's not such a baby anymore.

happy monday

i've gotten a new sponsor recently. she kindly & lovingly let me know that if i was not praying AND meditating that i indeed am not practicing ALL of the steps (for all of you non-steppers the eleventh step states: we sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with god, as we understood him) let me say i am so grateful, so incredibly grateful for the last four words in that step.

so for almost 8 years i have not been practicing meditation. so in essence i have been talking to god through prayer, just not listening. so as of late i have been attempting this. i don't know how open i am to "hearing" god so to speak (this has brought up alot of stuff for me - is there a god? if so why should he "talk" to me? how do i trust what i receive is something loving/positive/divine not just my BS dressed up??) regardless of all of those questions and doubts i have been starting my day in a new way and its awesome. i truly appreciate the quiet time in the a.m. it helps me greet my sons when they wake up with loving smiles rather than groggy ones.

one thing, of many, i have/am learning from this is that in this life i cannot go it alone. i need guidance. and as i heard many years ago you guys are my god with skin. (which every time i think of that or hear it said i think of a woman that had a few years sober when i got to the program, who now is back out testing the waters and unfortunately has a young daughter she's taking through the wringer with her. makes me sad, but maybe she's out there so i don't have to be?) wow that was a long side thought there. so i need people. people that will tell me the truth. people that are seeking to live an honest, inspired life. people that are trying to be of service to the world around them. i am so blessed to have some amazing people to watch and learn from.

so i am grateful this morning. for many things. i am coming up on a milestone next month - 8 years sober. i am always very introspective & reminiscent around my anniversaries. one of the things i have been aware of is i feel like the chameleon in me is less and less. meaning for so long i tried to be what i thought i was supposed to be in any situation rather than just being myself. whatever that is. areas of my life were treated just like that. separate entities rather than a whole. i feel like they have all collided together so here i am. me in any given situation. so i read that over and it sounds kind of wackadoo (i'm stealing that word from my friend dee because i think it is hysterical!)

i just can't believe what my life is like today. can't imagine what it would look like if my mom had not dragged my butt to treatment. relieved that i let her.

thanks mom, for making that drive. for not just turning your head and trying to sweep the mess of my life under the rug. for having the courage to see the truth, even when i couldn't. and for taking action.

trick or treat smell my feet

something in me wants to say "no, you have to wait until halloween to wear your costume"
why? i'm not really sure. truly cannot think of one good reason.

you go dad

twenty-four hours a day

Meditation for the Day

If your heart is right, your world will be right. The beginning of all reform must be in yourself. It's not what happens to you, it's how you take it. However restricted your circumstances, however little you may be able to remedy financial affairs, you can always turn to your inward self and seeing something not in order there, seek to right it. And as all reform is from within outward, you will always find that the outward is improved as the inward is improved. As you improve yourself, your outward circumstances will change for the better. The power released from within yourself will change your outward life.

Prayer for the Day

I pray that the hidden power within me may be released. I pray that I may not imprison the spirit that is within me.

Dancing Matt

Dave Garrett

any of you that live here in houston heard yesterday about the abc news chopper that went down and killed the two men aboard. Dave Garrett is the father of adam, who mason goes to school with. I did not hear until today when i went in to drop mason off. i am shocked and oh so sad for adam and all that are affected by this tragedy. i did not know either of his parents well, the occasional run in at the park, school or a birthday party here and there. however i feel so sad for the loss. it makes me think what it must be like to be in shelley's shoes, to have to explain to that little boy what happened to his daddy.
a very memorable thing for us and mason that dave did was bring the chopper up to the school last year so the kids could see it up close & go inside. for months and months, even before that, mason would see one in the sky and say "adams dad!!". it was such an exciting thing for him to know someone that flew in one, and then to get to go inside as well.
i'm not sure what to do in these times of loss, that happen every day. except love the ones i love (and be kind to those i don't) and try not to sweat the small stuff (and hopefully carry that perspective with me longer than a few minutes).
love to you all

go team me

i forgot to add that i have lost 5 pounds.
yep, thank you very much. i have been enjoying hitting the gym when i can (and the whole breastfeeding thing isn't hurting either)
now if i would just stop eating the ice cream before bed, imagine the results. but if i work out i can eat what i want, right?

is it election day yet???

i can't take it anymore. i told myself i was done with political news coverage (which of course would include the debates) but i am a glutton for punishment. i am watching. let me just say i know who i'm voting for. i feel strongly about it. there is no sway in this voter. BOTH of these guys are killing me. i'm over it - please november 4th get here.
if you are not like i, if you are an undecided, if you are not planning on voting - i'm not even going to plug my guy - please do some research and go rock the vote.

i haven't had the drive to write as much lately. i've been doing some other things with my free time so haven't taken the few mintues to check in. stephen turned 11 months old yesterday. he is pulling up and taking steps. still is a big ole pain in my you know what in regards to eating. i do not know where he gets his picky nature from, the rest of us will eat pretty much whatever you put in front of us. we have started doing some sleep training again and its actually working, a little bit. still having to pat him a couple/few times a night. cannot believe he is almost one year old. wow.

mike has gout. yes gout. he went to the doctor today because he thought he broke his foot. poor thing, should be better in 24-36 hours. crazy.

off to bed.

mops outing

pics of my pumkins from pumpkin patch