thats what the ticker says at the top of my blog. i would love to say that the last week has been one of great excitement and peace, me just enjoying being pregnant for the last time getting ready to become a family of five. but in truth it has been very difficult. i have never had such raging hormones, i have felt like a complete nut job and been acting like it. i have been filled with alot of doubt, i am tired, my body hurts and all three of the boys came down with the flu. i had this expectation i think that a) the baby would come a week before i was due, not AFTER and b) that since mike is home these days that i would be able to selfishly take care of myself, not worry about the kids, cooking, etc. it has not worked out that way, and although i have the perspective that this will be over soon, at least i am not sick, etc...etc... my FEELINGS have been out of control. i have been feeling very alone, which is in no way based in reality. i have gotten so many calls/emails/messages asking how i am and offering help. the problem is i am really bad at accepting/asking for it when i do need it. and instead of focusing on all of the love surrounding me, i see the negative. which really is just such a part of my personality, but with awareness comes the capacity for change so there is hope for me yet. i have been having these frequent angel/devil conversations with myself over the last several days and quite frankly am very sick of, well...me!
so my due date was yesterday which means that nicholas will indeed be here very soon. the boys have been without fever since yesterday afternoon so when i do go into labor i don't have to worry about my children possibly infecting the children of those that i love. there's is not much more physical planning i can do (other than rest, ha!) i'm keeping laundry clean, food in the pantry, bag is packed, carseats are in. its just the waiting game. today has been a better day i think because an end is in sight in regards to the sickness of my family.
i cannot wait to meet this little guy. i wonder what he will look like? what will it be like to feel the birth of my son as i never have before? to be a mom three times over? three times, what a blessing. i wonder how i got here, how i have the priveledge of being the mommy to three little boys? i cannot wait to see how stephen is as a big brother, what he will think of this baby. to see mason with his new little brother, he is going to be amazing. pretty much every day he says maybe the baby will come tomorrow morning mom. and he says hello to baby nicholas in my belly alot.
so..... he is not here yet, but hopefully soon! birth announcement to follow!!!
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
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