week from hell

hallelujah, it is over. it has been awful, not because anything was any different than it was last week. i just reached overload i think. i have a cold, stephen has a cold, i've had some not so fun drama with my sister, don't get enough sleep, it was the anniversary of my dads death, i was preparing for mike to leave for the weekend to fish, etc...
i need to get better at taking time for myself, especially for the remainder of the summer while mason is home. i have this mommy/wifey guilt crap that i should be home - thats crazy i am home plenty, thank you. i do not know how women stay home full time with 2, 3, 4 dear god 5....... kids. i salute you, you are more woman than i.
i got a much needed break this a.m., mike took mason over to his moms this morning before work and she brought him home around 1. i am a new woman, its amazing what 6 hours can do.

so i am going to touch on some of the aforementioned points - the first being my dad. he died 9 years ago at the age of 47 due to diabetes related illness. wow, 9 years, i can't believe it. 47 years young, i was 18. i often wonder what it would be like to have a dad as an adult, what type of relationship we would have. one thing i know for certain is that he would have LOVED having two grandsons. poor guy had three daughters (he let us put barette's in his hair when we were little - that really says something about a man i think) and for most of his life was even stuck with all girl dogs, until hank came along - who was a teacup yorkie, by the way. he died at the beginning of the end of my downward spiral into drug addiction & alcoholism, i attribute part of me being able to get sober so young to the pain i felt after he was gone. so, i miss him. alot. i love you dad, wish i could have gotten to know you more.

mike is off fishing this weekend - its him and four of his buddies on boliver peninsula in a little one bedroom house. and let me just say his buddies are big guys, i don't even want to imagine the snoring (and god knows what else) that will be taking place the next two nights. i hope they catch fish, they never catch anything.....
so me and my two guys at home taking it easy, right now the silence is very nice.

the next thing is the drama-rama with my sister. i think what i will say about that is sometimes it is so hard to know what, how & when to say things to the people i love. i struggle with personal integrity & authenticity and really is it any of my freakin business in the first place. so i had a difficult conversation with one of the most near & dear people in my life and essentially told her i can't have a relationship with her right now, i just don't know how. so i'm praying alot and trying to let go because i am indeed powerless over her life. i hope she knows that if she ever really needs me i will always be there, that i love her deeply and think she is beautiful and completely worthy of a happy, peaceful, awesome life. i don't know if you read my blog, i hope you do.
so i'm sad and i miss my big sister.