the cottingham boys and me

well, hello!

2011-01-15T06:33:00.002-06:00

5 months later.....

mason completed his first part of kinder and turned 6, has started reading and getting really good at addition and subtraction. he played another season of soccer and has just recently begun in basketballl, which he loves. he is such a kind, attentive, protective big brother, it is AmAzInG! he likes to build things with legos, mostly ships, role play star wars games, run around outside and play his gameboy (which is a total pain in the ass and i highly recommend not allowing your child to have a gaming device until he/she is older)

stephen has settled into being quite the 3 year old, meaning he is stubborn stubborn stubborn and smart smart smart. he has gotten to be such a big boy. he has been potty trained for months now, except for at night. he also is out of the crib. he goes to mothers day out at our church two days a week and loves it (even though he says he doesn't) when he is home with nicky and i he is a good little helper and buddy. he is starting gymnastics next week which i think will be fun and will help him with his balance and coordination. the most frustrating thing about him is that he likes to wake up around 5:30, yes... A.M.!! and although mike generally gets up with him its killing. me. the cutest thing about him, or one of them, is that he hates kisses. he always wipes them off. always.

nicholas will be turning 1 in two days. i cannot believe it. he started walking a few weeks ago and is really getting good at it :) he LOVES to eat and one of his favorite words is "more" which means more food right now mommy. we are still breastfeeding as well. he has gone back to waking me a good one to two times a night. i have not had consistent good nights of sleep in over three years, and i am over it :) when i stop nursing we will have to sleep train i'm afraid. he says mama, dada, ball, more, he also says what we have deciphered as brother. he waves, claps, plays peek-a-boo, stands up on his own. he is so freaking cute with his whispy hair and gapped tooth full face smiles :) he is easygoing, but definitely has some opinions aboout things. he too has started at the church school on tuesdays and thursdays, which he loves! he is in the same room as when we go to church so he was comfortable from the beginning and they said it has been like he has been there all year.

mike has been at his new counseling job at HRC for 6 months and applied and been accepted to the MSW program at Our Lady of the Lake University. he starts in September, it is an 18 months advanced standing program. i am so proud. Freedom House has been rocking and rolling, our census has been down the last couple of months but we made it to our second anniversary of being open in december. we celebrated our EIGHTH wedding anniversary this month. after eight years i love my husband, he is my best friend and i couldn't ask for a better partner in this world. at the end of the day the little things that make me want to ring his neck are just that...little things. i feel so free to be who i am, whoever that is, free to follow my heart, persue my dreams, do what i need to do to take care of myself even if that makes things more burdensome for him. i love you babe, even more than i did when we decided to start this life.

I am starting at the University of Houston Clear Lake next week and for the first time in almost 10 years will be setting foot in a classroom. I am a little nervous about finding the balance with school/work/family/myself but am sure that it will happen. Freedon House for Women opened up in June, after almost five months i thought we would have to shut down but we have built up some residents and things are going well. i feel very blessed to be a part of whats happening over there. a year ago today i was almost a week overdue with nicky and could not wait to get that baby out. time goes so fast. a part of me is sad that the days of me having little babies is coming to an end but really i look forward to the next chapters in our lives.

we had our first holiday season as a family of five, and it was awesome, from halloween to christmas! mike and i often lay in bed and talk about how incredibly wonderful our three boys are. i do not have the words to express my gratitude to the creator of all of this. although i have many moments of almost unendurable frustration and hopelesness, my children and husband challenge me so much and force me to continue to grow and seek love.

pics

2010-08-16T16:25:00.005-05:00

after mikes graduation we went to galveston for a mini-vacay. the boys got to do some fishing and we hit up moody gardens. it was a good time, except for mike getting sick and us coming home early...

here are my monkeys after getting their summer buzz cuts. it has been so nice to not brush hair the last 3 months (not that i did that a whole lot any way...)

cousin mariam

2010-08-16T16:12:00.003-05:00

my sister becky and my gloriously-wonderful-ab-fab niece came for a visit this summer. it was so awesome getting to see both of them. oh bertie...how much i love you and how grateful i am that you are my sistah and friend (move back here already). her daughter is super sweet....laid back and smart. she really went with the flow and had fun with her crazy-wild boy cousins. we went to the zoo, did some naked-booty swimming (the children that is) and just hund out.

i do realize that i don't have any pictures with mason here.....

summertime....

2010-08-16T08:31:00.002-05:00

i have a love/hate relationship with summer. things i love: lazy mornings and staying in pj's until 10:00, having the boys with me all day, no schedule, the spray park, the pool. things i don't love so much: the heat, no school, me straining to entertain my children on a daily basis (the day pretty much starts out with "what are we doing today mommy?"), the boys fighting...a lot!

as summer comes to an end i feel.....sad. mason starts kindergarden monday. and although he was in daycare his first 3 years and then in preschool for the last 2, i am nervous about this. he is like me, he doesn't like change. he is sensitive and actually pretty shy. i know he will be ok, but i am already worrying about what it's going to be like. what if kids are mean to him? what if he's mean to other kids? what if his teacher is a nasty old hag? what if he has trouble? i just can't believe we are already here. so this is where it starts, the letting go (i know he's 5....maybe i'm being a tad dramatic?) and trusting that my babies will be taken care of even when i'm not around.

stephen is a complete ham-hock. he is definitley 2 years old....but so much different than what mason was like. he gets mad and has "tantrums" but nothing like it was with mason. i wonder often how much of that is their nature and how much is my perspective and attitude. he just doesn't take things as seriously. he is doing good in his big boy undies and has finally started trying to go number two in the potty! woo-hoo!

nicholas....nicky...nick-nick....is AwEsOmE! what a cool little man. he is super layed back and fun. he loves to watch his brothers run around and is definitely ready to get in on the action. he will be 7 months old tomorrow. he has started crawling, working on sitting up by himself, and has started eating pureed food. he is also experimenting with consanants, so far m's and b's. he is super sweet and snuggly. how has my baby gotten so big already?

oh the places you'll go

2010-05-23T06:52:00.003-05:00

it has been a really busy few weeks around here. many exciting things have happened and are happening.
one being TADA.... mike graduated from college last weekend with his BSW! i am so proud, he has worked so hard and it is quite an achievement. the balance of school, work, and family is no small feat...but he has pulled it off and is finished....(at least until he applies for, and starts, the MSW program at Baylor next summer!)
another fantastically exciting/stressful thing is that we are opening our second sober living house on the 1st of June. freedom house for women...you can see our website if you are interested in what both houses are like: www.houstonfreedomhouse.com.
since it is a womans house i will be running it, which i am a little nervous about because, well thats just how i am, but also i'm anxious about finding my balance. i am taking 2 summer classes online, 2 in the fall and then should be able to transfer to UH in the spring. (not to mention my three little moneys!)
i am so grateful for all of the wonderful things that god has planned for us....and i think we're just getting started!

some april pics

2010-04-29T18:08:00.003-05:00

nic coo-ing

2010-03-12T15:36:00.003-06:00

this was taken yesterday. nicholas is almost 7 weeks old.

nic pics

2010-02-15T14:50:00.003-06:00

welcome nicholas buchanan!

2010-02-13T19:26:00.004-06:00

four weeks ago today i was going into labor. i will eventually make myself type out his birth story but for now just want to post some pics of our newest addition.

he was born on january 17th at 3:14 a.m. (although his birth certificate says 2:55 a.m - more will be revealed on that when i tell his story) he was 7 pounds 12 oz and 20 1/2 inches long.

we are doing well. the boys are awesome with him. so loving and gentle and all around excited to have another brother. it seems the change has manifested itself with them fighting amongst themselves more, oh and with us too! stephen all of a sudden seems VERY two years old. but alas, he is just that! the lack of sleep is starting to catch up to me (us) almost a month later so i feel tired. but overall pretty good. the first few days postpardum were awful. awful. i felt physically ill with what i can only describe as the feeling of being homesick. but the hormonal insanity passed after about a week and has not really returned. we are trying to learn how to balance life with three children which can be pretty frustrating and overwhelming. i'm just trying to let myself make it today. i know that sooner than later this will all be old hat.

forty weeks and one day prenant

2010-01-12T12:48:00.003-06:00

thats what the ticker says at the top of my blog. i would love to say that the last week has been one of great excitement and peace, me just enjoying being pregnant for the last time getting ready to become a family of five. but in truth it has been very difficult. i have never had such raging hormones, i have felt like a complete nut job and been acting like it. i have been filled with alot of doubt, i am tired, my body hurts and all three of the boys came down with the flu. i had this expectation i think that a) the baby would come a week before i was due, not AFTER and b) that since mike is home these days that i would be able to selfishly take care of myself, not worry about the kids, cooking, etc. it has not worked out that way, and although i have the perspective that this will be over soon, at least i am not sick, etc...etc... my FEELINGS have been out of control. i have been feeling very alone, which is in no way based in reality. i have gotten so many calls/emails/messages asking how i am and offering help. the problem is i am really bad at accepting/asking for it when i do need it. and instead of focusing on all of the love surrounding me, i see the negative. which really is just such a part of my personality, but with awareness comes the capacity for change so there is hope for me yet. i have been having these frequent angel/devil conversations with myself over the last several days and quite frankly am very sick of, well...me!
so my due date was yesterday which means that nicholas will indeed be here very soon. the boys have been without fever since yesterday afternoon so when i do go into labor i don't have to worry about my children possibly infecting the children of those that i love. there's is not much more physical planning i can do (other than rest, ha!) i'm keeping laundry clean, food in the pantry, bag is packed, carseats are in. its just the waiting game. today has been a better day i think because an end is in sight in regards to the sickness of my family.
i cannot wait to meet this little guy. i wonder what he will look like? what will it be like to feel the birth of my son as i never have before? to be a mom three times over? three times, what a blessing. i wonder how i got here, how i have the priveledge of being the mommy to three little boys? i cannot wait to see how stephen is as a big brother, what he will think of this baby. to see mason with his new little brother, he is going to be amazing. pretty much every day he says maybe the baby will come tomorrow morning mom. and he says hello to baby nicholas in my belly alot.
so..... he is not here yet, but hopefully soon! birth announcement to follow!!!

12 days and counting

2009-12-30T08:44:00.002-06:00

i am due in twelve days. twelve. this has been, by far, the easist pregnancy out of the three. maybe because i was in such good shape when i got preggo. (keyword: WAS!) as good as i've been feeling i AM tired, my body DOES hurt and i am a TAD cranky. mostly i am really excited and anxious to meet this little man and to see how he will change our family dynamic. i've been feeling a little sad too thinking about that, how stephen won't be my littlest baby anymore and how mason will have that much more responsibility as the big brother. also this will be our last baby, unless the powers that be have other plans. i'm looking forward to trying to live in the moment and enjoy the baby time as much as possible.
i am also a little excited about the future and some plans i've been making in my head, regarding going back to school and things like that. more will be revealed on that :)
stephen DESPERATELY wants to be potty trained! he has been taking off his own diaper and going potty in his little potty all by himself. as fantastic as that is, its a little difficult because i am not in a position right now to take a few days and do the deal. i want to wait until after the baby is born and do it this summer. its pretty great though to watch his independence and self sufficiency grow.
i probably won't blog again until after baby has made his arrival. so next time i'll have a birth announcement!

ho ho ho

2009-12-30T08:33:00.003-06:00

we really had a great christmas this year. one of the best parts has been that mike has been home so much over the last few weeks so we really have been able to spend a lot of good family time together. on christmas eve we had our friends the levits over and mikes brother kelly and his wife dmitri. we cooked up a big ole yummy bird and had sweet potato, butternut squash & pecan pie for dessert. the kids ran around and played (happily) and the adults got to relax and enjoy ourselves. santa did make it by our house this year, and really enjoyed the milk & cookies we left. the boys were so excited to wake up and see what presents were left for them. we made homemade monkey bread, yum!, and fried bacon, of course! i realize that i am talking about food a lot here, that is because not only are we big eaters around here, but one of my most favorite things is cooking with my husband. i really enjoy working side by side with him. later in the morning we went over to mimis house and had a visit with her and mikes sister leila who was in town from arizona.

shalom everyone!

choo choo

2009-12-30T08:28:00.001-06:00

here are some pics from a little train ride we went on down in alvin before christmas. it was a neat little place that had some live christmas tunes and kettle corn. the boys LOVED it!

merry merry

2009-12-06T20:00:00.003-06:00

it snowed this past friday on the 4th. it was AmAzInG!!! for me anyway! it has snowed five times in my lifetime, 3 of which have been in the last five years. i have never gotten to experience it actually snowing. it started to sleet here around 7:30, turned into the real deal around 9 and went all day long until about 4:00! mike had taken mason in to school but we picked him up around 10:30 so he could enjoy it with us. we didn't spend too much time outside because we live in houston and do not have appropriate cold weather clothes. it was super awesome, the boys loved it. although i think i was the most excited out of all of us!

party time

2009-12-06T19:52:00.003-06:00

to celebrate the boys bdays we had a party at the casa. mike grilled burgers and the kids jumped on the moonwalk and ran around. it was a lot of fun and the boys had a blast! i did not take many photos, but here are a couple.

Happy 5th Mason Owen!

2009-12-06T19:34:00.002-06:00

Mason turned five on november 19th. FIVE!FIVE!FIVE! i have no idea how we got here, but glad i've made it (so far)! We celebrated by eating ice cream sundaes with one of his favorite candies thrown in, gummie worms. mmmmMMMMmmmm......MMMMMmmmmMMMMM.....
i cannot believe my baby is five. along with continuing to be one of the hard-headest children, well people, i've ever known (and attitudinal as well) he is so funny and kind and smart. he is really getting the knack with letters and is starting to learn how to read a bit! he LOVES all things science/nature/animals. he loves to know things and to talk about those things. oh mason, you are so much like your mamma and i wonder if i will ever learn how to not butt heads with you? i love you i love you i love you and i am so glad that you are mine :)

happy second birthday stevie c

2009-11-13T15:58:00.002-06:00

i'm a week late on this post as his bday was last saturday. did i mention that i was not even in town for said bday?? so we celebrated when i got home on sunday evening, my fabulous hubby made a cake! i cannot believe its been two years since he was born. he has gotten so big and is no longer the baby that he was. to me he still seems like it. even through the words, the independence, the attitude. hes still that little guy that we brought home that i could not hold enough, rock enough, kiss enough. he is definitley not mommys little boy anymore, has taken alot more to his dad. (he finally realized that dad is the fun one!)
i love you stephen. you are such an amazing joy in my life, our lives. you fill my heart up. you are soo goofy and smart and silly.

ms mariam

2009-11-13T15:39:00.002-06:00

i went for a visit last week to see my sister becky and my fantabulous niece mariam. i had such a great time hanging out with my sister and holding her beautiful baby! mason kept asking me what i did while i was away (i went for 4 nights) and really all i could say was hang out and hold the baby. it was nice to not have to run around two little boys creating havoc!!
she is super cute and really a calm baby (lucky you sis, lucky you!) i didn't take as many pics as i should have but here are a couple. also big sister kate was coming for a visit as well and luckily we got to overlap for a day so the three of us could be together, which hasn't happened in, wow, a long time. i can't even remember! enjoy the cuteness!

i think i forgot to mention how freaking cute this town is that they live in. its about 20 minutes west of charlotte and has the quaintest little main street. LOVE it!

smell my feet

2009-11-01T06:19:00.003-06:00

we had a fantastic halloween. mason was a knight and stephen was, well he was supposed to be thomas the train. i'm suprised i got him to wear the hat to trick or treat!

and how could i forget........

2009-10-14T20:39:00.003-05:00

MY NIECE MARIAM!!!!! becky delivered this little angel two weeks ago today on September 30th. she weighed 7 lbs 6 oz and is 20 inches long. isn't she FaNtAsTiC?????? momma and baby are doing well :)
congratulations my sweet sister. you are going to be great at this! (you already are) she is so patient and loving and kind. i am so glad to be sharing this motherhood journey with her!

13 weeks to go

2009-10-14T20:19:00.002-05:00

went to the midwives yesterday and had a checkup. all is well in babyland, baby is measuring at around 28 weeks. his heartbeat is strong and steady. no news is good news, eh?
every day that goes by i get more and more pregnant. i feel as if i could not be any more pregnant but know that i am kidding myself. i've already gained a whopping 20 pounds (eek...that kind of snuck up on me). i'm having trouble staying asleep at night, which i partly blame on the lingering cold/allergies/??? but also the constant need to flip over and over till my back gets comfy. so i'm a little tired, which is also stephens fault as he has been waking up at 5 freaking thirty this week. WTF???? yeah, so tired and a tad grumpy. so i belive i am officially into the third trimester and i am getting nervous about this whole 3 kid thing. really its about having my two year old and a newborn. how is this going to work? i think i am going to have to work even harder at letting go of some of my "controlling nature". i am very much a person that is comfortable with and for my sanity relies on the idea that there is a place for everything and everything in its place. i.e. when its nap time a baby should sleep for the appropriate amount of time. hahahahahahahaha...... so where was i? oh yes: letting go. acceptance. these are the keys to a life of peace and serenity. go with the flow kb. (please do remind me when i'm blowing postpartum gaskets over here) so i'm freaking out a little bit :) but i cannot wait to meet this guy. i was watching the boys running around tonight with 'super speed' really enjoying how different and how the same that they are. pretty soon there will be another, brothers. what a beautiful blessing. this is going to be fun yall.
mason has been drawing a lot more lately, really creative detailed drawings. the last few days its been of piranhas eating other fish. i am loving watching his creativity flow more. for awhile he seemed really concerned with doing "it right". not wanting to make a mistake. but lately for some reason he has loosened up a bunch. also the tantrums are less so things are generally much calmer and happier here. stephen is a ham and a half. talking ALOT more. still train obsessed. i love these kids :) my three sons to come.....

Freedom House Update

2009-09-28T19:01:00.003-05:00

after 10 months of being open we are FILLED TO CAPACITY PEOPLE!!!!!! and have a FREAKING WAITING LIST!!!!
just had to share that....

Goal!

2009-09-27T07:52:00.002-05:00

yesterday mason started on his soccer team at the ymca. they had a 30 minute practice followed by a 30 minute game. unfortunately i missed it, i was at my friends sons funeral. mike took the boys and said that it was really fun and mason really enjoyed himself. i was a little concerned about how the whole thing would play out (not just dad having to take the two boys on his own) but how mason would handle it. when dealing with the new & unfamiliar he has a tendency to be very shy and at times to get very frustrated. he's like his mom, he doesn't want to learn how to do things but wants to know how, already!! it sounded like it was a success. i can't wait to go watch for myself next week :)

6 months...really??

2009-09-23T14:16:00.002-05:00

i am now into my 24th week of pregnancy. i cannot believe how quickly time has gone by, although i know that the last trimester is when things start to move at snail pace. i've finally started to feel the limitations that my body has as a result of being pregnant. after cleaning the whole house yesterday AND going to the gym i realize i need to take it down, just a notch or two. really i have been feeling well physically, i like being pregnant. i started back to the gym for cardio a few weeks ago and i feel really great that my big preggo butt is working it. i was SO sedentary with my last pregnancies and i feel very empowered to be able to run for 30 minutes (and to still be fitting into size medium maternity clothes!!!) for those that witnessed my body changes with the boys i know you can appreciate this with me :) i got HUUUGGGEEE!! people constantly asked me if i was having twins...i was like no. just fat. thanks! i LOVE feeling baby getting bigger and constantly moving around in my belly. its such a beautiful thing to be able to be a part of. there is a person. growing. in. my. body. again!! wow. here are a few pics from my u/s last week. he is sucking his thumb :)

the boys are doing fantastic. mason is getting along well in school and some of the behavioral issues we were having as he got adjusted into his routine have been working themselves out. he has been really interested in letters & sounds lately, oh and star wars. gotta have the battle droids! he is eating like a horse and is continuing to grow, we always joke that he has a hollow leg. man that kid can EAT!
stephen is rocking and rolling as well. he talks so much and has been (with help and coercion) counting to three. he is obsessed with trains. did i say obsessed? OBfreakingSESSED. still will barely eat a damn thing and it makes me nutso. he just got over having what i think was the flu last week, poor guy. he is enjoying his mothers day out (as is mommy) and having daddy around more often (as is mommy!)
so things are as they should be at the cottingham home. freedom house is doing very well and after almost 10 months of being open, we are still here!!! with clients...that pay rent....wow! i am so grateful and i think in shock and denial that this thing is/has really happened for us.
in other news my first niece should be born within the next week or so. my sister becky who lives in n. carolina will be giving birth to her first child pretty soon here. i get to go for a visit the first week in november and am so excited for her :) she has been a rock for me my whole life and been such a good friend, i am so happy about the birth of her daughter. i love you becky!!
in other awful/terrible/gut-wrenching news.....i posted a few weeks ago about the birth of my friends son rhyder who was born with some health complications. he passed away on saturday afternoon after being with us for 3 1/2 weeks. i don't have words for this, they all seem stupid and pointless and empty. my heart is so very sad for my friends and their family. i have never been so close to such a loss before. it is.....awful. my heart aches for them and their loss.
i hate ending on such a sad note but there it is.

new beginnings

2009-08-28T16:10:00.003-05:00

mason started back to his montessori school this week. it is his last year of preschool before he starts kindergarten (wow!) and has done remarkably well transitioning back into the swing of things. mommy has been tired. i got used to not having to be anywhere at any specific time! i know, boohoo, i had to get the kids up and dressed and out of the house by 8:15, life is hard. mason is one of the oldest kids in his class so he really gets to be a leader this year. there are a lot of smaller kids than usual which i think will be good because he will get more attention from his teacher while doing afternoon work (which is where they work on reading, writing, etc).

we went today to meet stephens childrens day out teachers, i've been calling it mothers day out which apparently is very 20 years ago? it is now CDO, just so ya know. they seem fantastic and i LOVE his new classroom! he starts back next tuesday and i think he is really going to have some fun.

an update on baby rhyder who i wrote about my last post. they are currently being discharged from the hospital to go home. from what i know they have gotten a lot more information about his health and issues that he has, which can all be worked on once he gets a little bigger. soooo we continue to hope and pray for strength for him and his parents!

miracles in the making

2009-08-25T17:01:00.003-05:00

this morning at 7:20 rhyder anderson was born weighing in at 4lbs 13oz and 15" long. when he was 2o weeks old in utero he was diagnosed with trismoy-18. if you do not know anything about this genetic disorder just know that statistically the babies have a 50% chance of not surviving until birth, the ones that do survive have a 50% chance of living for 24 hours. today he was born via cesarean birth, blue, not breathing, with a very low heart rate. after being given to mommy & daddy and getting some oxygen he began breathing and pinkened up! he has been able to relieve his bladder and has eaten at two seperate feedings (these are things that most tri-18 babies have trouble with). so already he is beating the odds, minute by minute, prayer by prayer. he will stay in the nicu for now so michelle & dave are staying with him as much as possible. it was important for me to share this on here because of how i LOVE this family and how close to my heart michelle & dave and their children are. please think of them, pray for them, send good energy their way (however it is that you may roll!!)

he is a handsome, strong little man!! i love you rhyder! see you again soon!!

20 weeks

2009-08-22T09:11:00.005-05:00

i have not been writing on here as much as i have wanted to. i really wanted to document this pregnancy and the changes going on with the boys, but for some reason haven't been able to get it together.
i went yesterday for my 20 week ultrasound and midwife appointment. baby is growing well and looks very healthy. we are having another BOY as you can see in the photo below. he didn't cooperate and give us any face shots so at my next appointment i get another scan, darn. i am very excited to find out that i am having another son. i really was pulling for a daughter, but god knows what he's doing and knows what i need way more than i do. i keep thinking about my house full of boys, and though they can be handfuls how FUN they are. three brothers, what a gift :)

Mason went with me for the appointment and was really excited and on his super best behavior. poor thing was VERY disappointed when i told him he was having another brother. he crossed his arms & pouted. he really wanted a baby sister. he came around though and got to tell mike the news & stephen that he was going to be a big brother, to a brother just like him! mason told him that he would get to show his little brother how to play with trains. (stephen is OBSESSED with trains right now. obsessed.) it was really cool.

so i'm feeling well lately. baby is moving around a bunch. i've actually been feeling him since about my 15th week which has been different this time around. another difference is the change in my breasts?!?!?!? i know this is very common iin pregnancy but WTF? never for me before! other than an aching back, sore boobs and difficulty sleeping this pregnancy has been wonderful. i don't think i've been too difficult to live with (ask my husband, he'll tell you the truth!)

mason starts school back monday and i'm actually really sad about it. he will start going monday through friday instead of the three days he did last year. i am going to miss him. i know i will enjoy the time but i am so used to him being with me. stephen starts his MDO on the 1st. so in a week i will have two days a week to.... hell i have no idea what i'm going to do!

Canada Pics

2009-08-12T17:02:00.005-05:00

here are pics from our trip to my moms a couple of weeks ago. i'll write soon about the trip.

at regina beach

with bailey in moms backyard

more beach

cuties

pickin strawberries at grandmas

chillin with grandpaw

stork

riding in the convertible

harvested from their backyard garden

at the expo - we sw a birds of orey show. this is a golden eagle

rides at the expo

at a local park

vacation - florida

2009-08-06T16:57:00.004-05:00

last week while the boys and i went to visit my mom in canada mike went to florida with a couple of buddies (who got the real vacation??) he got to do his favorite things : sleep in, smoke cigars & fish. he only took a few pics because he is a LOSER, but here they are:

i think this is a grouper?

nurse shark. he caught two of these and supposedly a very large sting ray. i see no picture for proof....

on the way. smoking a stogie. in my truck. yeah. (can you see the ghetto fabulous mirror? someone hit it the day before he left town)

I'll write and post pics from our canada trip soon.

update

2009-07-21T13:53:00.002-05:00

i am pleased to report that the utterly awful, terrible FATIGUE that accompanies the first trimester of pregnancy has passed. i have some energy back although the getting up in the middle of the night and pressure in my pelvis has begun. i am really excited about the journey of pregnancy this time, i've always liked being with child (even when i'm a hormonal psychopath) but this time i am really searching to have a spiritual experience, or i guess allow myself to connect with the experience, and be an active participant in whats happening with me. i've started to read a book that was recommended to me from a couple of different women and am enjoying so far. its called birthing from within and i think it is going to be very helpful because i have never been in labor. meaning having been induced & taken an epidural with both babes, i have never labored non medicated, not in a hospital bed. so i have no idea what i am doing and am a little nervous, but mostly just excited. its all so new because with the boys i just didn't care really, as long as they were born healthy, it really didn't matter to me how. i'm not sure where the change came from, well that's not true. i think its had a lot to do with meeting some women that have had really empowering and also terrible birth experiences. they have given me the courage and belief in myself that as i woman i am made to do this, that i am capable of doing it and that i am worthy to fight for it. so more will be revealed on that front.
emotionally i've been pretty well, its been kind of tough at home because mike is so busy with school this summer and really feeling the pressure & stress, so after he gives to the boys he doesn't have too much energy left to deal with my pregnant ass. this too shall pass. he will graduate in may (yippee!!!) and take some time before he starts his masters. i really am so proud of him and the perseverance he has practiced with school. he started back when we moved in together EIGHT years ago, i am so happy for him that the end is in sight.
i'm really looking forward to the trip the boys and i are taking to visit my mom this weekend. Canada here we come. i will not have to cook or clean for one week....thanks mom, the queen is coming! i am only a little apprehensive about traveling alone with them, especially with the amount of "emotional outbursts" mason has been having lately. but really there is not too much i can do but try & plan well. i'll let you know how it goes.
the boys are awesome. mason has been having a rough couple of weeks, i think he is just bored and ready to go back to school. next summer will be filled with camps people, a lot of camps. i think stephens vocabulary has tripled in the last couple of months. he understands absolutely everything and can and does say pretty much anything. if you ask him where mommas baby is he pats his own belly then pats mine. such a sweet boy. i am so grateful that i get to enjoy them!
oh and congratulations to my old boss christa and the birth of her daughter. so happy for you, can't wait to meet her and hear what dawson thinks of his little sister.

bebe update

2009-07-17T12:19:00.003-05:00

i went back today to the midwives to have an ultrasound to determine a more accurate due date. it turns ourt i am FOURTEEN AND A HALF weeks along! due on january 11th. baby looks good. the only potential issue, whiich my midwife assured me was a non-issue, is that i have a low lying placenta. she said it is not previa, nor is it marginal or partial, just low lying. (which means it is close to my cervix. if the placenta covers the cervix at delivery it means a c-section would be necessary as the baby could not get out) but she assures me she is not worried, just wanted me to know to watch out for any spotting after certain "activities".
i go back in five weeks for my checkup and anatomy scan in which we will hopefully find out gender :) i am sooo relieved to be this far along. its easier to breathe and really get excited. its been strange because we've known for so long, just told everyone a couple of weeks ago, and now i'm in my second trimester. moving fast it feels like.

oh baby oh baby....oh baby

2009-07-08T09:30:00.003-05:00

i started this post a few weeks ago and am finally wiling to share it. so the big news is that i am pregnant. yes, again. yes, with number three. yes, i am crazy. mike says he will hold me solely responsible for whatever chaos ensues as a result of having another child. we are super excited! i am anywhere from 9ish to 11ish weeks along, which puts me due sometime in january or february. i will know more definitively next friday once i have a more high-def ultrasound. we went monday to our first appointment with the midwife group. (which is a change i am going with on this pregnancy. i have done the "dr. route" twice before, both times induced, both times with an epidural. i am looking for a completely different birth experience) so she was AWESOME. she did do an ultrasound and i never cease to be amazed at how much they form so quickly. it was low-resolution so she couldn't say for sure how far along i am. but we got to see/hear babys heart beat and he/she was SO active. below are some notes i've made over the last couple of weeks:
_____________________________________

because i know i'll forget if i don't write it down. because, yes, i have PREGNANCY BRAIN..... ALREADY!!! YAY!!!!!!

i think one of the reasons why i have not been blogging is because i have had this super big news that we weren't sharing yet so most of what i have to say is related to that and would have given away my current status. like "i'm tired, i feel like i'm going to puke, i'm tired, my back hurts, i am worried something bad will happen with this pregnancy, i'm tired" ...etc....

we found out we were expecting again of course immediately because we have been trying. well and when i say trying i mean i got my iud taken out in april and we conceived within a month. man, we sure can make kids! so its a long road from conception to a comfortable time to share the news with the world.

i took my preggo test on memorial day and got an immediate verification to something i was pretty sure about, i was already feeling tired and light headed so was pretty sure. we told mason that afternoon and he was so excited. he has been saying he wants another baby, a sister to be precise. so i asked him what he would say if i told him there was a baby in my belly and he said "cool" so i said "well, there is a baby in my belly" and he looked up at me and smiled really big and said "nuh-uh" and i said uh-huh. and he said something along the lines of awesome. since then he asks me if the baby is moving yet, is the baby coming soon, will rub my belly, etc. i am so looking forward to this journey with him because he is old enough to GET what is happening, and can experience it with us. to add on to this thought last week we were laying in bed and mason asked where the baby came from. now we have had conversations about how babies are made, that they are in mammas belly, etc. but he has never asked such DETAILED quiestions. he wanted to know how baby will come out of my belly. so i told him. he looked very thoughtful and said "but it is so small" and i told him yes dear it is small but it stretches when baby comes. he did a little butthead laugh from beavis & butthead and said "unbelievable". yes, unbelievable.

i have not been to the midwives yet so am not sure when my due date is. it will either be in january or febuary (long story as to why i'm not sure but has to do with iud removal and questionable ovulation) so i am either at 6 or 9 weeks and have already gained 5 pounds. argh. i have not been going to the gym because, well i'm tired and don't want to. i can see the battle is already in progress. i keep telling myself when the boys go back to school in august it will be easier to go. we'll see, we'll see.

PREGGO OBSERVATIONS:

#1 i have a certain way i apparently like to sleep when pregnant as it started almost immediately again this time. on side, top leg thrown over, snuggling pillow. while not pregnant this makes my back hurt, but is sooo the way i sleep knocked up. (wow, knocked up. that was charming)

#2 i am a man hater at the moment. i am reading these books that are based in the middle ages and all of the fictional-yet-based-on-truth truths about women have been really pissing me off. really. even though i know its 2009 people but.... anyway. my hormones are being channeled into being pissed off.

#3 i cannot live without coffee. but though pre-pregnancy i drank it cold with a splash of milk and agave the thought of that makes me want to puke. so now its warm with a bunch of milk and sugar. weird.

#4 i am mean. to my huband. at night.

caldwell pics

2009-06-27T07:43:00.005-05:00

with fathers day last weekend and the anniversary of my dads passing in a week or so i find myself thinking a lot about him this time of year. since its ben ten years since he died i think a lot about the past, what things were like for me and in my family at that time. it was not a good time for us then, any of us really. so over the years its been a lot of grief and saddness which over time has healed little by little to where i think more about the happy times than the sad ones. they say time heals and i think that is true if i am open to the healing and forgiveness. now the sadness i feel is about not having my dad here to know my boys, and for them to not know him. of course i want him for me too. its interesting how the pain/grief/saddness whatever you want to call it has changed over the years. it is also interesting how sometimes it can hurt almost like it did at the beginning. so mike fixed (well he said it wasn't broken) the scanner so i uploaded some of my favorite photos i have of my dad. enjoy!

surfside beach

2009-06-16T09:08:00.005-05:00

mason and his buddy caeden taking a break

braving the water like big boys, holding hands, too cute....

yes that is my child trying to drink saltwater

look at how blue the water is!!!!! NO this is NOT florida! wow....

We had so much fun on our trip a couple of weeks ago. i thought it was going to be ruined b/c when we got there the mosquitos were RIDICULOUS!! luckily they sprayed friday night and all was right with the world. the water and weather were insanely beautiful. mike got to do some fishing and stogie smoking and we all had fun playing on the beach. our friends the andersons came to hang out on sunday and the boys had a blast swimming and making sand castles. we were so suprised to see how clear and clean the water was. standing in waist deep water you can see your feet. unbelievable. i forget how lucky i am to live so close to the ocean.

we have had a great summer so far. we have spent a lot of time at the pool. mason is really getting more and more comfortable in the water and is learning to swim better on his own. stephen is FEARLESS and loves it - a little healthy fear would be nice :) i am adjusting to having the boys home without my normal 2 day a week break (thank you preschool & MDO) last week was a little hairy. i was tired & grumpy and really struggling with a bad attitude. MUCH better the last several days. thank god, i was really getting tired of hearing myself complain. i'm finding it increasingly difficult to consistently blog, not because there is a lack of fabulous things that the children do. i think i'm just fealing lazzzzyyyyy....

summer, again?

2009-05-23T20:46:00.005-05:00

hello summer 2009. although we've had a couple of "cold fronts" come through its sure is getting hot, right? although i do have to give mother nature credit, its been pretty nice having the highs be in the 80's.
school ended last week for both of the boys so we have 3 fun-filled months ahead. not that we have a lot going on, our only big thing is going to see mom in canada at the end of july which i am really looking forward to. i know the boys are going to have a blast and its been since when i was pregnant with mason that i went to visit them. (i know, i suck as a daughter) so we've started the summer off with haircuts, i know UBER exciting stuff.....i don't know where my little 18 month old baby has gone, he looks like such a big boy now. sniff.

and the end of the school year wouldn't be what it is without the annual SMMS year end program. its so cool that mason will actually go onstage without whining, crying, running, etc. AND he SANG some! can't wait to see what its like next year .

Mason and his buddy ryan

so stephen is 18 months old. his favorite word is NO. go figure..... he LOVES books. almost to an annoying degree. he wants to be read to all the time. which is great, really. sometimes i just. don't. want. to.
mason i think has grown like 2 feet an as many weeks. i have also been noticing some emotional maturity in him (which i am sure i will eradicate over the next 3 months!!!)
so basically my kids ROCK. i have been so enjoying spending time with my family lately. that is such a good feeling. sometimes i can go through periods of time, long periods of time, when i just don't feel connected like this. things are good!

Mothers Day

2009-05-16T09:03:00.003-05:00

mothers day was last weekend. the fam and i went to smithville for a long weekend. mike rented a cabin on the colorado river. it was a MUCH needed vacation. mike just wrapped up another semester and with work, school & the halfway house he has been really busy. the boys really enjoyed having him to themselves with no interruptions. and everyone got along, even the grownups :)

we hung out, went fishing, swam, hunted grasshoppers, made smores, and were just lazy together. thanks honey for a FABULOUS weekend! i put more pics up on facebook b/c its easier to upload there.

new do

2009-05-03T13:04:00.002-05:00

2009-04-23T16:13:00.004-05:00

i haven't written in awhile. hello, state the obvious. last week i was dealing with a sick kid and husband. stephen had the ear infection and continued to run a fever for several day after starting antibiotics. then i noticed a couple of sores on his tongue, we thought it was hand, foot and mouth disease. but it turned out the little girl in his class that we thought he got it from didn't have the hand, foot & mouth, but some other weird thing. long story short, too late, he's better now. mike in the meantime got sick as well with whatever stevo had b/c he had swollen gums & a huge sore on his tongue. he's better (thank god) i love you honey. but am i right when i say that men are such babies when they are sick? can i get an amen? amen.
during the sick kid/husband drama i managed to get into a car wreck in the parking lot of stephens school. good times. it was my fault. damn suv drivers that try to call their pediatricians office & then proceed to reverse from their parking spot without looking in their rearview. all i can say is thank GOD that the family was in their car and not on foot!! so needless to say i have heeded the warning and am paying better attention while driving.
i am oh so completely bummed out this week. an acquaintance of mines daughter passed away on monday. Dylan was just over four years old and has been battling a brain tumor since she was 6 months old. i only met her a few times, so we were not close, but i am so sad for her family. for her. that she didn't get to grow up and live life. didn't get to go to school, learn to swim, dance ballet, fall in love, see her baby sisters grow up. her parents seem so strong, so connect with God and Jesus. i am in awe of their grace. the second thing that has my tummy in knots is about my friend Michelle. her third son, Rhyder, is due in september. they have found out through a series of tests that he has trisomy 18. they are 99% sure about this. this is where there is an extra 18th chromosome, so instead of there being 2 there are 3. here is a link that has more info on it if you are curious: http://www.trisomy18.org/site/PageServer?pagename=whatisT18_whatis. so for a lack of better words, this sucks. please pray for her, her baby, and her family. michelle and dave are such lovely people. kind, loving, present, compassionate, REAL. REALLY real. i am so blessed to have met them a little over a year ago.

p.s.

2009-04-13T08:55:00.002-05:00

yeah.... i had masons dr look into my ear, and i have a hole in my eardrum (this is from stephen banging me in the ear last week) i was instructed to go to an ent immediately so that they can track my healing progress, or fix if it does not heal. so i am not completely paranoid, it was as bad as i thought. obviously not bad enough that i've rushed to the dr yet. yes mom, i will make an appt.....

easter

2009-04-13T07:31:00.003-05:00

we had a lovely easter weekend (although it started with me rushing out of my coffee group, that i was hosting, to take stevo to the dr. after i spotted goo in his ear, to find out he has an ear infection). we worked in the yard saturday and dyed easter eggs. had some family and friends over on sunday to hunt eggs and eat yummy honey baked ham. here are some pics:

hallettsville, tx

2009-04-04T19:53:00.002-05:00

so we just got home from a visit with some family that lives down in halletsville (about 2 hours south of here). we went to see mikes niece haley(his brothers daughter) to celebrate her birthday that is next week(which we happen to share, the 9th). i am so glad we have finally gotten our stuff together to do it, we've really blown it on like every other of her previous birthdays. it was a blast! i forgot how much i like to be around her mom alicia, and how sorry i am for my own sake - not hers - that she and kelly are no longer married. mason got to fish and caught, with mikes help, about 6-7 bass :) both of the boys got to drive a golf cart, yeah thanks aunt alicia! mason promptly asked me when we got on the road if he could drive home. i can see that he's not letting go of that one so easily. we got to see a wild hog that got caught in one of their traps, which was kind of scary looking and stinky. it was so nice to hang out and watch the cows, oh and i saw 2 dear prancing by when we were driving out through the property. mason LOVED being out in the country!! stephen also enjoyed himself. it was a great day trip, and the boys did suprisingly well on the road. mike wanted to bring the car dvd player, and i guess a 2 hour drive is justifiably long enough for it. but for some reason i said no, i mean WE never got to watch tv, right?!?!?! we just had to shut up and deal with it. so i realized i really do like the country, but could not live that far out. maybe on the outskirts of a small city or LARGE town.
of course i forgot my camera, luckily mimi took hers, but wether or not i get pics from her is another story.

permanent damage

2009-04-01T19:52:00.002-05:00

one of the things i enjoy doing with stephen on wednesdays while mason is at school is going to the story time at the library. for any of you who have little ones and have never taken your child, you must must must check out your local library and the programs they offer. such a wonderful service provided and such a fabulous morning activity for FREE. momma likes free.
so this morning during our lovely time together stephen WHACKS me in the right ear with his big, hard noggin. i immediately started hearing in echos, as if i am standing in an empy bathroom. so i'm sure that it will be ok (not really- i'm convinced i will never hear the same again), whether on its own or by something the dr. can do (i hope i hope i hope) i mean if my kids high-pitched wailing has not caused me to lose my hearing, yet, then surely there is hope? i am such a drama queen.
kids should come with warnings on them. after all of the slams, kicks, head-buts, biting, slapping, whacking, scratching that i've endured over the last 4 years and 4 months you'd think i would have the bob & weave move down. good times.

hellooo spring, facebook & god bless preschool

2009-03-24T19:16:00.003-05:00

the kiddos were on spring break last week so i had them all to myself. and as much as i love their sweet-dirty-snotty-attitudinal faces, it sure is nice when they go to school :) we had a good week, although what exactly we did escapes me at the moment. oh yeah, livestock show, library, park, oh heck i don't know. all i know is spring is here and the trees are getting their leaves and the annuals are being planted. i love the colors of early spring. it almost inspires me to get out into the yard, almost. we whipped out the baby pool last week and even though the water was a little chilly the boys really enjoyed splish-splashing away. i was very glad to be able to clean my casa today, we were going on 2 weeks - isn't that against some health code in regards to my young kids? i know it definitley makes my ocd skin crawl. but when is the last time you tried to mop a floor with a 4 and a 1 year old at home? or clean a toilet? its impossible i tell you. so the house was clean for, oh all of five minutes until they got home & well, at least the bathroom doesn't smell like pee, yet...

so facebook, friend or fo? its kind of crazy the people that i have connected with (mostly for a brief message back and forth, and i'm sure i will not "talk" to again) regardless its been interesting and fun. pretty cool the revelation that has come with this that i don't have to hide from anyone. now this may seem strange to some of you but i was not always this fabulous, loving woman i am now, haha. in my "former life" i was a selfish, raging, crazy you-know-what. just knowing that i am not that girl today is AWESOME!
i have had two very good experiences in the last week as a result of fb. on sunday i went to my old bff's sons 1st bday party. we have known each other since kindergarden, have lost touch, reconnected, lost touch, etc. we were the friends that would leave school and go home and talk on the phone until dinner time. she was a rock for me, when things were, well, rocky at my house. we have yet to sit down for lunch but hopefully will be able to do that soon. it was wonderful to see her doing well & happy with a little man of her own.
the other was as a result of an email i was sent from, as my mentor phrased it, "the boy". this was the guy i dated my senior year in highschool, and talk about 17 year old love (swoon!) and the following angst i experienced when he finally got tired of my crazy a$$. (yeah the one and only time i have been arrested involved him & some really bad behavior-of mine, and i am being vague here b/c i think i have some family members that read this that i'd rather not share that part of my story with) anyway i had an oppurtunity to have a long overdue convo with him where i got to own my stuff, make amends, ask forgiveness. good stuff.

so i am grateful today. happy. content. i have been really working on being conected lately, and its working. i think i have finally leveled out hormonally after weaning stephen. praise god!

howdy partners

2009-03-16T14:33:00.002-05:00

we went to the livestock show today and had a great time. we got to see a baby calf that we just missed being born by 2 minutes and a mamma cow that was about to deliver. my favorite were the baby chicks trying to peck out of their eggs to be born. mason went on the pony ride and a couple of the carnival rides with his friend caedan. a beautiful day today!

home again

2009-03-16T07:10:00.003-05:00

well i had a wonderful time on the retreat this weekend. it was SO awesome to get some time away to recharge & spend time with 29 other women, most of whom i did not know. it was a very powerful, rejuvenating MUCH NEEDED weekend.
the boys seemed to do pretty well while i was gone. apparently there were some difficulties at night, like stephen took a long time to fall asleep and mason woke up & stayed up for a couple of hours both nights. i guess when you're used to having mommy around all the time its unsettling when she's gone for a couple of days.
so i'm home, and grateful. i missed my boys, quite a bit actually.

adios amigos

2009-03-12T18:59:00.003-05:00

i am going on a womens retreat tomorrow for the weekend to camp allen in navasota. i am sooo excited and looking forward to GETTING AWAY for a couple of days. so be thinking of mike this weekend as he goes solo with the boys :)
this will be the first time since mason was born that i've gone away for the weekend, well at all for that matter. and though i will miss my kids, well maybe not so much...... no i will, its good for me to steal away every so often. i think one weeekend a year from here on out is perefectly reasonable!
so i have waited to mention this b/c my mom was out of town & just found out but I'M GOING TO BE AN AUNT!!! my sister becky is pregnant and due in early october. i am so super excited for her and Momi. i only wish we lived closer to one another so i could share this experience with her and be able to watch my niece/nephew grow up. so now thats 6 pregnancies people. SIX!!! whats the deal? congratulations to all of my preggo friends, you are all beautiful ladies and i love each of you.
i'll let yall know how my weekend is.

first haircut......sniff sniff

2009-03-11T10:45:00.002-05:00

i took stephen to get his first haircut today. he was a freaking ROCKSTAR! i will so miss the wild & crazy 'do that he's been sporting for the past few months. my little baby is growing up. he's even been on a daddy kick lately and for the first time did not cry when i dropped him off at school yesterday. time really moves so fast (even when it feels like "its never going to end" when they go through a difficult stage) but really they are only little for such a short period. sigh.

she lives!

2009-03-05T06:07:00.005-06:00

its been a couple, or i guess a few weeks since i've written on here. i think thats because they've been very..... challenging, difficult (dare i say terrible?) no not terrible, just quite uncomfortable and unpleasant. mason has been having a very hard time. i cannot explain it, although i have my theories. my little man has been very emotional, impatient, angry. the power struggle in my house has been exhausting. i have fallen short in my consistency and patience. there has been a lot of screaming from both of us, a lot of time outs and many many apologies. i had another revelation a couple of days ago. the word that came to me:aceptance. not the first time that god has flung this word at me (or beaten me over the head with it) in regards to our beautiful son. so i am trudging trying to use the tools that i've been blessed with. ack. i live to try again another day. all of this has taken place at home. at school he is doing well. i get nothing but praises and encouraging words from masons teacher. that he is so mature and respectful at school. he is moving forward and he is doing more pre-reading work and being given more challenging excersices. he has gone through a growth spurt, the clothes that fit a month ago are quite suddenly not fitting as they did before. so he continues growing in many ways, so maybe that accounts for the craziness. growing pains? i know i get a little nutty during times of growth, so why not he?

stephen has really begun to walk in that oh so cute frankenstein toddler way. arms out, trying to find the balance that will keep him from falling on his bottom. i love this age.

there are many babies growing in the bellies of my loved ones bellies. six total, i am so excited to watch my lovely mommy friends grow. some with their firsts, some with their thirds. its an exciting time (don't drink the water or breathe the air, it appears to be contageous!)

freedom house is doing well and we are embarking on phase two, which is the upstairs. it is going to be a step up from downstairs offering one bedroom apartments to those with 6 months or more of sobriety. so although we move forward and feel without a doubt that we are doing what we are supposed to, the money fear visits me. there is a lot to be done before we can open the top floor up, and that takes mulah. it is ok, it will work out. just a little intimidating. we are going into our fourth month of operation and up to this point we have been succesful. i am still amazed that this thing is happening.

bday pics

2009-02-24T13:16:00.005-06:00

so i never uploaded pics that my frind sarah levit took of the boys party in november. better late than never.

ugh, dentist time

2009-02-10T12:24:00.004-06:00

so i finally took mason to the dentist today for the first time(yes i know, he's four. thats when my dentist starts to see them) he did AWESOME. awesome. no problems whatever. he sat in the chair, had xrays, got cleaned and then sat while i had my appointment. i am so super proud of him. we celebrated both of us having no cavities, YEAH!!!!, by having lunch at live oak grill (which had the motorcycle removed. which sucks b/c thats why we went there!)
now i just need to get his dad to go......

we have a toddler....that toddles!

2009-02-09T17:49:00.003-06:00

so please humor me and my sideways video clip. stephen has started to stand up on his own & walk the last couple of days! yeah!

we have a wean-er

2009-02-05T17:25:00.003-06:00

well after almost 15 months stephen is officially off of the boobie. today is day 3 no nursing. and i am..... kind of sad. i'm also HIGHLY hormonal, which i'm sure will ease up sooner than later. its been a LONG frickin time since i was not either preggo or nursing, holy crap i just did the math - 2 years. wow. so a little whackadoo-ness seems appropriate, does it not?
so i've been a bit nutty, impatient, irritable. but i've thrown myself harder into prayer, meditation, trying to nurse the good thoughts rather than the bad (b/c believe me people, i have bad thoughts sometimes) my stepwork, exercise. posittive things. i tend to focus on negative.
i will leave you with a small gratitude list that i actually FEEL (you know how sometimes you know in your head you're grateful for something but don't feel it?)
- that its thursday. woo-hoo my night out.
- my healthy children
- that i can read/write/talk/dance/run/see/smell/taste/hear/love ..... i guess that i am living
- friendship
- the fantabulous weather we've been having. holy crap its been GORGEOUS!
TTFN

pics

2009-01-28T15:33:00.001-06:00

whats new

2009-01-28T11:25:00.002-06:00

stephen is in his second month of mothers day out at the church down the street. he is doing very well. he of course cries when i drop him off but has a great time once i am gone, or so they say! we're still not walking, but if i've learned anything its that truly you cannot make your kids do anything! they grow on their own time, and why walk when you have a mommy that will carry you? he is getting much more vocal and communicative. he waves hi and bye-bye. asks whats that? says da-da frequently as well as brother & cat. he shakes his head no. its amazing how much he understands at 14 months old. if he's hungry he goes to his highchair (or reaches down my shirt!) we're down to nursing twice a day and i am really working on breaking him of his nursing in the wee hours of the morning. he has learned to climb up the ladder into the fort in the back yard, goodbye the days of him being in the backyard with minimal supervision. (yes i let me one year old play back there without me. his brothers there, and i check out the window. ok, i probably shouldn't let my four year old supervise the baby. whatever) he has 16 teeth now and loves to bite and hit me. good times. he loves it when daddy chases him around on the floor and has found a "safe zone" behind the side table.
mason is doing extremely well in school & will become an afternoon worker int he spring. this means instead of being made to have rest time he will work with the older children. he is learning to write his name and is starting to draw pictures, rather than just scribble-scrabble as he calls it. he's really into star wars the clone wars and loves to run around with his light saber. he asked me why darth vader is not in clone wars last night. i tried to explain that anniken skywalker is darth vader before he joined the dark side, this really upset him. maybe this conversation was a little premature. it is quite confusing and a little upsetting, even to me. apparently he has been asking mike how he got into my belly before he was born. so we are figuring out how to best explain this to him, without being too graphic, but yet honestly. i feel there is no shame in the birds & bees convo. and why the heck do we say birds & bees anyway?
both of the boys had an awesome time when grandma & grandpa came from a visit a couple of weeks ago from canada. they LOVED having bailey, their golden retriever, here. mason has been asking alot about what happened to sadie after they left (that was our beagle that ran away 2 years ago) he's missing the furry four legged friend companion. one day. just not today, we'll get another dog. maybe when there are no more diapers or nightime feedings happening!
freedom house is rocking & rolling. we've ben open for almost 2 months and have been succesful so far. we're keeping at least a few guys in at a time and have been full a couple of times. the drama is definitely there, which we expected. and know is just the nature of the beast. mike started back to school and will be kept busy taking 9 hours on top of his jobby-job, on top of freedom house. so all in all we're good. i've been in a constant state of funkiness, trying to get out. staying busy with the boys and the service work the man upstairs has been hurling at me. i'm thinking the message is "get the hell out of your own head lady and think about someone else". i'm trying.

my turn

2009-01-15T21:55:00.003-06:00

16 things about me, as inspired from brene brown at ordinary courage:

1. i have a crossed eye and used to wear big red glasses all through grade school.
2. you can find me on facebook randomly throughout the day
3. i love lilies (preferably star-gazer) and big, old oak trees. and the smell of gardenias, and my kids after a bath. yum.
4. i want to live in a smaller city one day, either by the mountains or the water
5. i love to sing (and unfortunately don't do it well. mason tells me to stop)
6. when my sisters and i get together we are known to frequently quote old movies and laugh, a lot. apparently we do this extremely loudly
7. i love my children, and they make me insane. i want another child. i really want a girl, but will be grateful for another cutie-patootie boy
8. i love to smoke menthol cigarettes, i know this is not conducive to this "healthy lifestyle" i've been carrying on about
9. i like having shindigs, any excuse to use a fancy serving dish. well, any serving dish.
10. i have a tattoo on my stomach, and used to have a belly ring
11. i like to read PI mystery novels
12. i won declamation in 5th grade for reciting a poem called "Hugs" - i believe said poem came off of a bookmark, or greeting card. (my sister won for JFK's inaugural address - take that over achiever!!)
13. i like to surf fish
14. commercials make me tear up
15. i am EXTREMELY hard on myself
16. i read the twilight series in 4 days, and then re-read them a week later.

hello size 8

2009-01-07T20:00:00.003-06:00

so with the risk of sounding extremely vain i am going to gush about the fact that i bought my first pair of size 8 jeans in a loooong time today. there are a couple of reasons why this thrills me. the first being that i am the mother of two and gained 60 & 50 LBs with each pregnancy and haven't seen a size 8 since i was in highschool (and the ten year reunion is coming up this year!). the second and most important for me is the change in lifestyle that this is a result of. the excercise i now nourish my body with on a somewhat regular basis. the better food choices, well sometimes! the fact that i never thought i would be able to make these changes, and have, with some help. its kind of funny that i would feel the need to share this. i guess because i was just telling mike the other day that i think i am a strange breed of woman in the vanity department. i just, well, really don't care too much. the sagging boobs, the stretch marks, my face, my hair. i'm generally happy with what i've been given, don't place TOO much importance on it anyway. don't get me wrong, i like to look nice, be skinny, what have you. it just doesn't keep me up nights, ya know? i guess i should feel blessed, and i do, that at least there is ONE thing i don't obsess about! ;-)

we went to a funeral yesterday for mike's uncle david. he was actually mikes moms' first cousins' husband. i think after 6 years of marriage i am getting some clarity on his family and who's related to who and how, they are a big freakin family. anyway, what i wanted to share was that its been really cool to watch mike, and myself for that matter, grow over the years. an interesting barometer for us has been our mental/emotional state around cottingham family gatherings. they are an educated, succesful & wealthy bunch. the kind of people that i used to feel like a little kid around (well i was/am young, but i mean kiddie table little kid. like 5) anyway to be able to show up shake hands, give hugs, and feel like i actually BELONG! not because i share the same education, or career/financial success. but because i am a human being. just like them. no better, no worse. just people, gods kids. wow. i used to shake going into those kinds of situations. and to have had the oppurtunity to watch my dear husband grow, as well. when i met his mom for the first time i could feel the discomfort around both of them. their relationship was new again and they were learning how to relate to one another in a healthy way. to see that, and to see it now it is nothing short of miraculous. miraculous. so to see him stand tall, not stutter or say 'um' half a dozen times in one sentence is AWESOME! now i can't lie the career/financial success does dazzle me a bit. but hey man, alot of people have ambition that i just don't have. cheers to them!
so they say self esteem comes from doing esteemable things. like showing up for family. things like that. i think its true. when i live only to serve myself i'm not aware of those around me. so i can't "show up" for them. but when i break out of the bubble then i can see you. and me. and actually get to be a part of some super cool things. and then feel pretty cool about myself, and you for that matter, as a result.

a year in review

2009-01-03T06:51:00.004-06:00

happy 2009.

i'm not sure if i'm just getting older, more lame or becoming an all around grouch, but this new years eve came & went for me with not much notice. we spent new years day afternoon with some friends eating chili watching the kids play(new friends -a gift from this year).

this year has been good. of course we started it out with our little stephen being born a couple of months earlier. so for me its been about adjusting to becoming a stay at home mom mother of two. i have to say that although it was a difficult transition, i truly enjoyed it. i remember masons first year was much more difficult, more shocking to me. i gues since i was already a mom, when stephen was born i just flowed into it and was able to ENJOY his infancy. this year i've again recommited myself to my recovery, going to meetings consistintly & becoming more of a part of other womens lives. i've met a handfull of ladies in my community with children and we started hanging out & sharing the mommy journey together. the "coffee moms" have been such an important part of this year and easing my transition. i've attempted to slide into a more healthy lifestyle the last several months. actually joining the gym (and going! what a concept!) and attempting to switch from fried to grilled, things of that nature! the LBs are dropping so i must be doing something right, & i really LIKE getting my body moving. i can't say i've ended the year with a bang. i've generally been restless, irritable & discontent. i am grateful to know that this too shall pass, that before great growth usually comes discomfort. so i will keep plugging away at being the best me i can be, apologizing when i fall short & most importantly keep trying to grow in my relationship with god so that those things are possible. more will be revealed!!

mike has had a busy year, as usual, with work and continuing to plug away at school. i think becoming a dad again has been a different experience with #2. afterall with mason he stayed at home for 6 months so he and masons relationship came sure & fast. it took a little longer with stephen. he has most definitley been a momma's boy! but daddys charms cannot be resisted by small children or animals and stephen has fast come under his spell. mike is a rock star with the boys! we followed his dream at the end of this year and started up our own sober living house for recovering alcoholic men. it has been amazing how things have come together for this. finding the PERFECT place, the funds working out, actually getting a few guys in within the first month. its definitley been and will continue to be a walk of faith, and we're walking. so mike has been busy with the guys over there. he's set to graduate in another year or so, i'm sooooo proud of him ofr staying the course even when he has wanted to quit. he works hard for our family and is such a loving husband & the best friend i could ever want. i love you hunny!

mason owen turned four this year, and i have to say that i'm glad year #3 is behind us. it was a tough one. he adjusted VERY well to becoming a big brother. he has always been extremely gentle & loving to him, especially when stephen was very little. it seems the big brother traits are ingrained, not necessarily learned, at least by mason. he immedietely became protective(then in the same breath bossy). he continued at montessori this year, having moved up into the big kid class. i dropped him down from 5 days a week to 3, so he would have more time home with me and brother. the end of last school year was rough, he regressed in many ways behaviorally. i kept him home for the summer. it was awesome & terrible. i so enjoyed just being with him day after day, something i have never done before. it was hard though (on me!) this year mason bagan to learn how to swim & started taking gymnastics. he's made some new great friends and recently has learned to ride a big boy bike. he continues to become his own person and has such a bright, fun personality.

this was stephens first year of life. i cannot believe how big he is already. he is a funny, impatient child. he goes with the flow mostly but when he's not happy he sure lets you know. his smile is electric and although its grown out i will always see him with his hair sticking straight up. it has been such a joy & priveledge to get to stay at home with him this year. to really connect with him, share a rhythm & daily life. he wants to do whatever his big brother is doing and is really a tough little kid. he has recently learned to come down the stairs & slide down a slide solo. we're still not walking but that doesn't deter him from getting to where he wants to go. i look forward to what this year will bring with both of my boys.

so as a family we are growing and learning how to live together & be most effective in one anothers lives. i am so grateful for what i have been blessed with. for my family, for all of you, for health, a roof over our heads, food in my kids bellies (and plenty more in the pantry), for a sane mind & a sense of humor! for awareness, sobriety, love. on and on really, it never ends....

i hoe this year brings harmony, prosperity & love to all!

Ho Ho Ho

2008-12-26T09:14:00.004-06:00

i hope everyone enjoyed their day yesterday. we woke up and opened presents, showed mason that santa had eaten the cookies and drank the milk we left out for him. i'm not sure if he buys that, he kind of looked at me with this seriously mom? look. oh well, its fun anyway. i attempted to take mason to the movies & after waiting 30 mins for them to fix the sound problem in the theater i decided to get a refund & leave. time is short with a four year old, however he did AWESOME and i feel confident that he is ready to be a movie-goer! yeah! last night we went to mimi's house and spent time with her and an old friend of hers. she cooked a herb crusted roast - YUM! yum yum yum. by last night i was exhausted. stevie was pretty needy yesterday and for some reason i generally had a bad attitude. isn't that awful? oh well! i was not the photographer i planned on being, i only took a few pics.

merry xmas numero uno

2008-12-21T18:42:00.003-06:00

we went to mimi's today to celebrate xmas with mike's brother kelly, his fiance dmitri and our neice haley. haere are some pics of the cottingham fam:

cookie time

2008-12-21T18:33:00.004-06:00

on saturday we had the andersons over to paint christmas cookies. it was the first time i've made them by myself without my mom (i used the recipe that we have been making cookies with since i was a kid) mason & caedan had fun painting them, oh yeah, mike & dave did too :-)

i really can get addicted to anything

2008-12-14T15:06:00.002-06:00

so i went to the book store on thursday and picked up a copy of twilight. i had to see what all of the ruckuss was over this young adult teen vampire love story. yeah, i read the first AND second book in 3 days. she's no anne rice but i immediately got hooked in to the characters (although i must confess i was getting a little over the love story by the end of the first book) but it quickly redeemd itself when the plot thickened. needless to say i am a twilight junkie and am looking forward to seeing the movie. i definitley think that a little escapism is healthy, but uh, yeah. put down the book lady.

i have no idea whats wrong with me lately. i have been in the dumps quite a bit. feeling sad, overwhelmed, like i just want to give up (on what i'm not sure). i had a good, much needed, cry at my meeting this morning. i heard many things i needed to hear. i heard that we all have what we need inside of us. courage. love. goodness. its all there just waiting to be tapped into. i heard that god appreciates effort. i hope so much that that is true. i feel like a failure so often in my attitude and actions around my family. (intellectually i know i am a good wife & mother and that i am making progress - but sometimes it FEELS like its not good enough.) i was told that bad mothers don't sit around wondering if they are good mothers. i heard that practicing patience & tolernace is so very important, i guess i'm supposed to do that with myself too, huh? i heard not to give up.
i think at the end of the day i am damn hard on myself. i wonder if that means i am too hard on all of you? don't we tend to reflect, or project, or whatever, that kind of stuff? needless to say i am still here. sometimes i just want to run away from this beautiful life and hide. start over. live selfishly. sometimes i don't want to sweep the floor, AGAIN. don't want to do laundry. wipe runny noses. get up tp feed the baby. on and on. but i do. because really it is a privelege and an honor and a pleasure, mostly.

so three things i'm grateful for:
the health of my children
caramel filled ghiradelli milk chocolate
bedtime :-)

glad i have boys, i think....

2008-12-10T19:49:00.001-06:00

let it snow, let it snow, let it snow

2008-12-10T17:36:00.001-06:00

"dear god......"

2008-12-10T12:02:00.002-06:00

mason has finally gotten to the point where he will say his own prayer at bedtime. this is last night:

"dear god, thank you for my little brother. thank you for mommy and daddy and myself. thank you for the house and the fan. the end."
how cool is i that his little brother comes first? awesome.

sometimes i am so blown away by his questions and quite frankly don't know how to respond. he asks me things like, is god inside of us? is jesus inside of us? did jesus walk on water? (i guess i should have been ready for the jesus questions since we do take him to church and to MOPS - but since i struggle with those same questions, well, it makes for intereseting convo with a 4 year old) why are the levits jewish? why aren't we jewish?

then there's the whole thing about santa clause. we went to my mother-in-laws country club to meet santa and have dinner on sunday. do i tell him thats the REAL santa? or a helper? we were telling him that sometimes santa sends a helper because he gets so busy getting ready for christmas eve. he was very adamant that santas helpers were elves. duh mommy. this whole parenting thing sure can be tricky. lately masons struggle to have control over his environment, ahem, ME, is coming out by him screaming and calling me ugly. good times.

stockings

2008-12-05T15:27:00.003-06:00

mom, this is for you.......
those are hand needlepointed by mi madre. she spent insane amounts of time ensuring my family would have these extremely fabulous stockings, you all should be very jealous ;-)
thanks mom (please excuse the ghetto-fabulous plastic hooks, i could not find nice holders that would fit my mantle)

day 2 & gratitude friday

2008-12-05T05:53:00.005-06:00

stephen survived his second day of mothers day out, they said he did better than on tuesday. when we were walking into the building and he saw the silly old lady with reindeer antlers on he remembered where he was and started crying. break my heart. he loved going on the buggy ride & he got to see a handbell choir. again i have to reiterate how quickly 5 hours goes by. for me, probably not so much for him.

well, not even a week open & one out of our two clients has already burned off. mike was with him yesterday morning at the house & he seemed fine, then didn't show up in the evening. this is the guy that mike has known for years. cunning, baffling, powerful. it never ceases to amaze me what this disease does to people. again it reiterates to me how much easier it is to stay sober than get sober. i am SO grateful to be where i am today. what are you grateful for?

on a side note in regards to addiction, i have been having thoughts of smoking again (because i'm a nut job! and yes i'm still nursing. shut up) but last night i got new resolve.

i love my kids. they are awesome. stephen has been more chatty lately. he LOVES to say ball, dada, drink, that, cup. now keep in mind this is largely in the language that only mommy & daddy can understand. except for ball. thats clear as day. mason uses words like frustrated, object (in regards to game playing), and now i can't think of them. but often he says things and i'm like, how old are you kid?

by myself??? in my own house???

2008-12-02T16:15:00.002-06:00

today was stephen's first day of mothers day out. i tell you what, five hours goes QUICK! i did NOT go to the gym b/c i was obsessing about getting the house clean. so i cleaned. for three straight hours. my entire house. for now, until well, now- my house is clean. it was nice to walk in with the boys this afternoon and have it this way, even if it will be short lived.
it was really hard dropping stevie c off today. he was really excited and happy, until he realized that i would NOT be staying. when i arrived to pick him up he was crying at the door waiting for me, she promised he didn't do that ALL day. we'll try again thursday and hopefully it will get better. which intellectually i know it will but my heart sure did hurt this morning.

on the freedom house note, we have two clients. one actually PAID rent yesterday! on the first day. i am amazed. but day 1 and we already had a glitch, the gas was turned off. so no hot water, no stove. luckily the heater is electric! this will be the beginning of a long journey of a whole bunch of fun things to deal with :-)

i found out yesterday that a woman that goes to my woman's meeting on thursday's, and who happens to be a grand-sponsee, was found dead yesterday. all i know is that she was found at the bottom of her stairs with wine bottles everywhere. it made me really sad, i did not know her well at all. i know she was young, beautiful, intelligent, successful in her career and an alcoholic that could not get & stay sober. i do not know if her death was a result of her drinking, or just a tragic accident that occurred when she happened to be drunk. regardless, she is gone and does not get another chance at the life she wanted so badly. it has really made me think about how HARD it is to get sober at first, but how EASY it is really once you have some time, some relief, some tools to live by. so now its a matter of continuing to plug away one day at a time. its easy to slip into the lie that i can coast on the things i did yesterday, but its just not so. yesterday doesn't matter (yes, i can learn & grow, strengthen my spirit & my relationship with god) but if i do nothing today then i'm not moving forward.

step it up

2008-11-30T15:21:00.004-06:00

thanksgiving morning we are all sitting on the couch and stephen took his first step on his own. from daddy at one couch over to me at the other. it was so beautiful. it was in slow-mo. i was just starting to say how he is getting better balance and wah-lah. go cookie go.

happy thanksgiving, freedom house, oh my....

2008-11-30T14:34:00.008-06:00

this week has been crazy....

my sister becky came for a visit on wednesday. it was, as always, awesome to see her. she is an amazing woman, she is a rock for me. thanks for all your help sista. we cooked a yummy scrumptious thanksgiving feast for my little family. and as you can see i have become "one of those people" who decorate their house for christmas, on thanksgiving. yeah. we also went to the parade downtown thursday morning and it was really a lot of fun. the ponies were my favorite part!

so i was planning on doing this post about gratitude and giving thanks for who i am and the life i have the privelege of being a part of. but I AM GRUMPY. and have been. i have spent the last 3 days running around like a mad woman, close to an anxiety attack, trying to get stuff done for freedom house. which ta da, will be opening tomorrow. we have gotten many calls from fliers we sent out and even one today from a guy that found us on the internet! wow, that is so exciting!! we have a temporary house manager setup and our first resident is moving in, well tonight really. so i have been making lists and attempting not to physically harm my hubby and kids. mike and i handle stress SO DIFFERENTLY. he goes into procrastination and the attitude of "everything will work out" (which it will. but, hello, we have to do stuff to make it so) and i wake up in the middle of the night thinking about what is to be done the next day. he makes me nuts sometimes. a cool thing is that i realize i handle stress better than i used to. i can breathe, i can calm down, i can take my grubby little hands off of things, sometimes.

a few bday pics, more to come

2008-11-24T07:51:00.002-06:00

prayer for today

2008-11-24T05:45:00.001-06:00

from 24 Hours a Day meditation book:

"I pray that today I may do the next thing, the unselfish thing, the loving thing. I pray that I may be content with doing small things as long as they are right. "

happy birthday boys

2008-11-22T20:04:00.002-06:00

we had the boys' party today, and i think it was a hit. everyone seemed to really enjoy themselves and there were minimal issues between children. my lovely, dear friend sarah took pictures (i love you, love you!) so when she gets those to me i will post some. the big kids bounced, ran, wrestled. the babies played inside with toys, a few of them braved the bouncy house. stephen LOVED it. they set it up around 9 this a.m. so we got to have some family bounce time. he was rolling around & giggling. it was awesome!
i have to say i absolutely love my friends and their kids. i have some of the most kind, generous people in my life.

dear mason

2008-11-19T15:26:00.004-06:00

today is your fourth birthday. fourth. four years ago today you had just been born. i was exhausted and relieved and scared and completely unsure of myself. but i was sure of you. that you were perfect, beautiful, the most important thing in my life. and you still are. you are too smart for your own damn good. you are stubborn, funny, sensititve, curious, impatient, serious. you CONSTANTLY push the limit to see how far i will let you go. i constantly let you go too far. but we work it out, mostly. your imagination caught on fire this past year. you enjoy playing bad guys, being outside, making "work" - which are piles of paper, receipts, pictures (really anything you can get your hands on) and putting them on the kitchen & dining room tables. (i love this by the way -ha!) your little brother was born this year and i cannot tell you how kind, tender, loving, patient you have been with him. (as you yell at him right now) you loved to kiss him & hug him when he first came home. he has finally gotten big enough to play with you and you LOVE it. you are an awesome big brother, so protective & pushy!
the day you were born was the single-most life changing event of my life. you have taught me what it means to love unconditionally, how to live for someone else, also in turn the great necessity for taking care of myself, for if i do not do that i am worthless to you.
i love you. i love you. i love you. thank you for being the spunky, spirited kiddo you are.
love,
mommy

argh

2008-11-18T18:13:00.002-06:00

am i the only one whose kid's high-pitched screeching causes a physical reaction. cringing, hair raising cringing? stephen can hit notes that, well that are quite impressive actually. eeeek.

i feel much better today than i did yesterday & the day before. we (meaning mike) has finally had conversations with a couple of our neighbors over by the halfway house. needless to say they are not happy (meaning totally f-ing pissed off) which i totally GET. i would be too. we knew the reactions that we would recieve. but i feel bad. the point is to help people, maybe help change a few lives. not cause harm. however i know that wherever we went someone would have to deal with us being there. so the doubt, the fear, the wanting to hide under my covers resurfaces. and i feel tired. which i'm coming to see is the way that i deal with stress & feelings - i get tired. fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on ones perspective, having two kids does not allow one to hide under the covers. not even for a couple of hours. damn. regardless of how the neighbors percieve us, we will press on. we are completely within our rights to do what we are doing, and frankly this is the best area suited for it.
another fun item of business, we are pushing back our opening. we are having to make sure we are up to the city firse marshalls code. we did not get accurate info regarding this initially so we are in the process of verifying what we need to do. good times.

so more will be revealed. whatever will be will be.

An Evening With & Happy Bday To Me

2008-11-16T12:50:00.004-06:00

so friday night a girlfriend and i went to the houston council for a lecture by Dr.'s Harriet Lerner & Brene Brown. the first topic spoken on by Dr. Lerner was "A Blueprint for Courageous and Joyous Relationships" where she covered what she felt were the 10 most significant things we must practice in order to have courage in relationships. they were as follows:
-say what we think/feel about things that matter
-share these things when appropriate
-set boundaries(what we can/can't do)
-calm things down(stop reacting)
-warms things up/speak to the positive. (come from a place of love as my dear friend trish tells me)
-listen to understand
-respect differences
-define the bottom line (deal breakers)
-share strenghts/vulnerabilities in a balanced way
-clarify goals/beliefs/priorities & act accordingly
i highly enjoyed her. her realism, honesty about her own struggles with her sons & family.

Next Dr. Brown spoke on shame, which is were her research for the past ten years lays. she has come up with what she finds in people that do not LIVE in shame. so in the absence of shame she has found:
authenticity, resilience & a sense of love and belonging.
she also discussed ten bullet points on how we achieve this:
-understand shame & practice resilience
-embrace imperfection
-rethink cool & extraordinary
-make space for rest, creativity & gratitude
-hold spirit sacred
-recognize how we protect ourselves from vulnerability
-have hope (which she believ we CAN teach our kids)
-practice forgiveness
-lean into discomfort & pain
-practice self compassion
This woman ROCKS. seriously. i got SO much out of hearing her speak. she spoke about us being wired in our brains to need to be connected. with people. to belong somewhere. to fit.
she spoke of the difference between shame & guilt. that shame is the voice that says "I Am" and guilt is "I Did". That freedom from shame comes from speaking it. apparently there are new studies that show that shame is stored as trauma (and this is where she lost me with the neurobiology technical jargon stuff) in some part of the brain. thats pretty deep stuff, there is actually a physical component here.
my favorite quote from her of the evening was:
"let go of who we are supposed to be and embrace who we are."
yes, amen sister.

it was fun to go out and do something grown up with a friend and hear these phenomenal women speak. how the hell do they do it? i can't imagine balancing that all. frankly i just don't have that kind of ambition! not now anyway!

so happy birthday to me yesterday. i celebrated my sobriety anniversary - 8 years.
8 freakin years. wow. i've been so busy thinking about halfway house stuff i haven't thought too much about this, i think i was more reflective last month.

i am grateful that for the most part, and i'm still striving for this, me is what you get wherever you may run into me. that's something that brene touched on on friday. that wherever i show up, be it church, kids school, aa, with mommy friends - that i'm the same person. that has not always been the case for me. its really in the last year or so i think that i've been consciously striving for that kind of authenticity. and its not easy. i can get very wrapped up in "cool" and what i think you think i should be (which lets face it is not even always based in reality)
so yes 8 years later i'm a loon. but a happy, peaceful, content, OK loon. a SOBER one. and as long as i'm that i have the oppurtunity to do anything. be anything. grow, change, make mistakes, say i'm sorry, laugh my ass off, feel the pain, feel the joy, just be OK. freedom rocks!

so here's a shout out to all of my aa friends that have come before me to show me the way, the people that have come with and after me to trudge the road with, my "normie" friends - you know who you are! for accepting me and showing me that wow, people are really just people and yall aren't so normal afterall!! to my mom, my sisters, my mother-in-law (who has loved & treated me like a daughter) to mike- my hubby, my partner, my best friend - who "saw the potential" and i hope still does! for believing in me, loving me, supporting me, holding me, giving me the freedom to live my dreams, FOR MAKING ME LAUGH, for being so damn cute! to my boys for being born, for helping me see the good the bad & the ugly in myself, for teaching me unconditional love. and of course i would be nothing without God, the spirit, the power, the LOVE, everything good in all of us.
i love you all, warts and all, i suppose!

miracle

2008-11-13T06:00:00.003-06:00

good morning. from my meditation today:

My Declaration of Self-Esteem: "I am me. In all the world there is no one else exactly like me. There are persons who have some parts like me, but no one adds up exactly like me. Therefore, everything that comes out of me is authentically mine because I alone chose it".--Virginia Satir

did you see the amazing moon last night/this morning? i'm not sure if it is full but it is big & bright & fabulous! bring on the cold front! mr. stephen slept until 5 a.m.! thats 8.5 hours people. woo-hoo. keep it coming.

so after a convo i had yesterday i am thinking about where i was eight years ago today. 3 days before i took what i hope is to be my last drink/drug. all i can say is wow. how could i possibly doubt the power that exists in and around me?
on a side note i think i have finally found peace with calling my god "it" versus "he". in this instance pronoun acceptanc is very important for me and i've struggled for, well, eight years now. its neutral, gender neutral, and i find i can connect better with that.
anyway - eight years ago i was at the "jumping off place" where i could not picture continuing to live life the way i was, but also could not imagine it any other way. it was unbareable, painful, hopeless, scary, ugly. i was going down and i was SO pissed off about it, i wanted to take you with me. i thought that that was it, stuck forever in that life.
but here i am. still me. but my goodness, such a better me. healthier. happier. not QUITE so crazy. FREE. from - addiction, myself (mostly), fear of the future, failures of the past, anger. thats not to say these things do not appear for me, regularly even, but they are not my permanent state of being.

the sun is coming up and it is pink & purple & blue. i used to watch the sun come up in a drunken & drug induced craze & watch people leave for work & their lives as i was going home to pass out. i HATED you normal people. I SO WANTED TO BE ONE OF YOU. and here i am.

miracles do happen.

happy tuesday

2008-11-11T06:04:00.002-06:00

i am going to sign up stevie for school today. sniff sniff. i feel like a new mom doing this, not one who's oldest kid has been in school for 3 years.

a friend told me yesterday that i make smart babies. you know what? she's right! stephen has begun playing peek-a-boo, covering his face with his hands peek-a-boo. its the cutest damn thing. when he sees mike he sticks out his tongue, when is that man going to learn that these games he teaches our kids tend to come bite us on the bootie later? like when he thought it was HYSTERICAL to say "you know who? chicken poo!" to mason. and then mason would not stop saying it, for like a year. at school. yeah.

damn i love my husband, he sure does know how to make those boys laugh.
man its raining, again. my grass & plants are happy as they are completely h2o deprived when mother nature leaves it up to me. i am ready for this weekend, for the cold.
i get to go spend some time with some of my mommy friends this morning and i haven't gotten to do that in awhile. its one of my favorite things that i haven't been able to do in awhile.
one of the best things ever, other mommies to share the journey with. what the hell would i do without you ladies? i'd be a babbling idiot, more so than i am presently.

we recieved our first inquiry into our halfway house last night, so if homeboy sticks around we will have 2 clients when we open. this guy is actually a husband of an old friend of mine, but apparently he got our flier somehow. i am SO excited.

auntie becky

2008-11-09T13:37:00.001-06:00

i found out today one of my most favoritest people in the entire world, my sister becky, will come to visit us for thanksgiving.
yay yay yay. my heart feels lighter knowing i will see her soon, not that it felt especially heavy!but this absolutely makes me oh so happy.
love you sis, can't wait to see you!

sleep training

2008-11-09T13:17:00.002-06:00

we've begun sleep training again. friday night was a long night, he cried the first round for a little over an hour - we took turns going in every 5ish minutes or so. second time it was under 30 minutes. last night was better - only had to go in once & he barely cried. so wow, they don't lie. it actually works. and he is okay, so far no irreversible trauma has occured. none we can see anyway.

i have decided to start him in a little mothers day out program. i am going in tuesday to register him. so i think he will start next tuesday. every tues & thurs from 9-2. i feel this is a good thing but i feel incredibly GUILTY. because i am afterall a stay at home mom. what kind of a mother am i? plus i don't deserve the time to myself. i should always be DOING DOING DOING. blah blah blah. i think this will be good for him. get him used to being away from me a little bit. will enable me to get some things done for our business without toting around the little guy. i will be able to clean the house, go to the gym, hit a meeting - withouth having to worry about him. that sounds like the life of leisure, that i don't deserve. i'm not sure where i got that idea, but its sucky.

sigh, i still feel guilty. what is it about mothers and guilt? (or this mother anyway) his birthday was nice. we sang happy birthday off and on all day. played with balloons. went to the park. ate cupcakes. i cannot believe he is one! wow, time moves so fast.

on another note we went by the house today to drop off a dresser i bought this week - and i forgot HOW AB FAB IT IS GOING TO BE AS A HALFWAY HOUSE!! holy crap. it is so incredibly perfect! i dropped fliers in the mail last week announcing its openeing on december 1st and have every day been giving it up to God-well trying to. if we build it, they will come. right? we will have a client beginning the 1st, a friend of mikes get out of treatment on the first, and will be moving in. (assuming he doesn't twist off in the meantime. which, lets face it, who the hell knows)

so i feel good about that, still so much to do. so much.

here's to another week. grateful i am alive to experience it. found out this a.m. a member of a group i go to passed away on wednesday. he was sober 35 years and died due to complications related to a brain surgery he had. he was an interesting bird. he seemed okay with himself, his family, with God.
we'll miss you Jim Moon.

dear stephen

2008-11-07T11:58:00.005-06:00

happy birthday my sweet boy. i cannot believe that you have already been in my life for one year. you are my little mamma's boy. it is difficult for me at times because i feel as if i am not satisfying your needs because you whine & cry quite often with me but play happily with your dad. that is ok, we are who we are and i love the relationship that we have. you wake me up still several times a night. this makes me nuts!! however i see the beauty in it, that what you want is to be close to me, to be comforted back to sleep. i'm sorry to tell you that we are starting sleep training again tonight. it will be a rough few days, but i think you are ready to learn to calm yourself. i think this is important, i think your rest will be better and you won' be so tired in the morning. still through the no sleep & clingy-ness you bring so much joy to my life. you love to play peek-aboo, "donk" with your brother & dad, to be tickled, to climb the stairs, take baths, to be outside. your laugh & gap toothed smile is infectious. you are so smart! when you are mad you pout and scream (loudly in a high pitch). you sometimes pinch and swat too, which we are taking care of! you like playing with your baby friends, especially the bigger ones!
a year ago today i was waiting to hear from the hospital that it was okay for me to be induced. i scheduled induction so that i could arrange for mimi to watch brother and have the help she needed on hand. finally at around 4:00 we were told it was okay to go in. we spent the day together, went on a walk, daddy ate chinese food - i STARVED! daddy & i were so excited, we couldn't wait to meet you. having mason was the best thing either of us had ever done, we loved him so much and could not wait to experience life with two loves like that, not to mention the love we have for one another. so we went to the hospital, everyone thought we were crazy for beginning so late in the day. but we did. labor was pretty quick, all in all about 5 hours. you were born around 11:30 in the evening. mimi was a little disappointed, she wanted you to come out after midnight so yall would share a birthday.
when i first saw you i thought how much you looked like mason when he was a baby. looking at pictures now i don't know that you did. i loved you instantly. i wasn't sure what to expect, when mason was born it took some time for me to adjust to the fact that i was a mommy and he was mine. i guess since i was already a mom it was instantaneous with you being the second. you had flat ears and long sideburns, daddy & i giggled. i felt great! although tired i was ready to go home & we did a day later. mason came to meet you in the hospital and was so gentle & loving. i think that is my most favorite memory up to that time, seeing him hold you & smile. sinced then there have been many times that yall are playing or hugging or laughing, that i feel love for you both & this life so strongly that, well i'm not sure what. but its better than anything else in the world.
so long story short, you are awesome. absolutely amazing. i am so grateful that you are my kid, that we get to be together as much as we do. that our family has one another, forever.
i love you
mama

freedom house

2008-11-06T12:23:00.004-06:00

we have a tentative opening date of 12/1/08. which is contingent on us finding a house manager, i guess. SO MUCH to be done. tenant #1 moved out on saturday, so we are on the move. this week i've been in the place of - "holy crap. this is really happening. we're really doing this. there is a laundry list of things to be done & i don't know where to start" wanted to bury my head in the sand & do nothing. sound familiar? whats the deal with that reflex? the appropriate reaction is - ok, whats first? which i have finally arrived at.
so here i am. doing whats in front of me & i realized yesterday that I AM AFRAID. of failure, of success, of the unknown, of money, of responsibility (says the mother of 2, ha)
this is such a big deal for us. having the courage to do the work is what i'm up against, i feel like i can trust god to do his part. its ME i'm worried about!
but, i am woman. hear me roar. i am strong. i am competent. i am worthy. i am.....crap the baby woke up :-)
so they say courage is walking through fear, not not having it in the first place.
so i will walk. (we will walk. what a gift)

good times

2008-11-06T12:09:00.003-06:00

i am not going to go on and on and on about how thrilled i am that Mr. Barrack Obama is going to be our next president. his speech on tuesday was phenomenal. i really BELIEVE this guy. i believe that he has what it takes to fix our economy, fix our healthcare, mend our relationships with other countries in the world (at least some of them. at least to make them stop laughing at us) etc etc etc. i am so excited & inspired to have an intelligent man be our next president. (no offense W, well actually, yes - you should take offense. i will be glad to see you go) i also have to give props to Senator McCain for his speech, the message he carried of unity & moving forward.

my children will never know a world where a black man "can't" be president of the USA. no i was not alive during segregation. but i get what this means. i believe that this man and the people who voted for him, even the ones that didn't, have the power to change our nation - our world maybe? to shatter our completely whacked out belief systems, our fear of one another. to silence the "old tapes" in us that play in even the most educated, open-minded of people.

this is going to be good.

ah, election day

2008-11-04T06:30:00.003-06:00

praise mary & the sweet baby jesus. this election season is coming to a close.

i've done my part, casted my ballot (absolutely got chills when doing so. i am so honored to have voted for who i hope wil be the first african-american president of the old USofA. remember where all men (and women, ach-em)are created equal?) i hope we as a people are growing over the barriers of race, gender, sexual orientation, religion, etc.
not to get too hippie-dippie here. but like john lennon sang - imagine all of the people, one world...etc... and no mr. lennon, you are not the only one. (ok, that was a little much)

so now today we sit & wait & watch. my mom is here - who is EXTREMELY passionate about this & worried to boot. so after the children are sleeping tonight i'm sure we will be glued to el televisor, waiting for history to be made. hoping for change, there has got to be a better way.

i do want to share this before i sign off. my brother-in-law is Algerian and has lived in several different countries in Europe as well. i was told he was amazed at how "free" everyone is here to express their dissent over the government. so we are & can be a great country.

thought for the day

2008-11-04T06:25:00.005-06:00

came from my meditation this a.m. - i LOVE THIS. seems to be so true for me.

Meditation for the Day:
"In Thy presence is fullness of joy. At Thy right hand are pleasures forever." We cannot find true happiness by looking for it. Seeking pleasure does not bring happiness in the long run, only disillusionment. Do not seek to have this fullness of joy by seeking pleasure. It cannot be done that way. Happiness is a by-product of living the right kind of life. True happiness comes as a result of living in all respects the way you believe God wants you to live, with regard to yourself and to other people.
Prayer for the Day:
I pray that I may not always seek pleasure as a goal. I pray that I may be content with the happiness that comes when I do the right thing.

for me, being an instant gratifictaion ADDICT, that is quite a concept. but again i find truth in that. the more i think of others & try to give of myself (meaning my time & resources) the fuller, happier i feel/am.

Happy Halloween

2008-11-03T15:01:00.004-06:00

a few days later. we trick-or-treated and then went to a festival at a nearby church. it was insane sensory overload. mason had a good time. my mom got to be here for her first halloween with the boys. we've been having a good visit (despite her being sick!)

my superhero

2008-10-28T19:46:00.002-05:00

breathe kb, breathe

2008-10-25T14:33:00.002-05:00

ok. i'm ok now. i've spoken to the dr., gone to 2 fall festivals & worked out at the gym - i feel much better. burned that excess crazy energy. dr. said stevie c sounds fine. just to watch for fever & continuous bleeding. he put my mind at ease as the er doc could not.
it is a beautiful day. there is much sad & wrong with the world, our country. however i still do believe there is much love & goodness, as i see it & feel it every day. the goal is to spread that.
have a great saturday.

no words for this

2008-10-25T07:28:00.002-05:00

ashley todd, i do not care what kind of mental illness you suffer from. what you have done is wrong. disgusting. how dare you? on behalf of decent human beings, how dare you? do you not understand how serious this is?
i can't even continue writing.

rantings of a mad suburban mommy

2008-10-25T06:58:00.004-05:00

stephen and i spent 2 hours up in the emergency room at methodist hospital. i'm so glad i don't live in the city anymore - it would have been 3 times that i'm sure.
anyway, when i changed his diaper at 6:00 his penis was swollen & bleeding and VERY UPSETTING TO LOOK AT, REALLY. ITS HIS PENIS MAN. so long story short, per the er doc this is normal as a result of his re-circ. you bet your ass i'm calling dr. gonzalez first thing monday. maybe even page him today. pls note the nurse practitioner paged the on call doctor in his practice & we waited 45 mins and did not hear back. WTF? if you are on call should you not call back?? i'm going to stop there b/c getting pissed off doesn't help.

back to the er, i almost was that crazy lady screaming "why won't anybody help me?!?" but i kept my cool, barely, and contained the tears until the lady got me the lady to take me back & assess stephen. ITS HIS PENIS. i hate this. my little sweet angel baby is ok.

then all of this gets me thinking again about our healthcare system. what mikes company pays monthly, what my frigging copays & deductibles are. and holy crap our system is BROKEN. when oh when oh when will something be done?????
please god help the politicians to do the right things by us. what the crap is so wrong with socialized medicine?? god forbid EVERY MAN WOMAN & CHILD GETS QUALITY MEDICAL TREATMENT WITHOUT WORRYING ABOUT HOW THEY WILL BUY FOOD. i will lay off the caps now. we're only "the greatest country in the world" and people are starving, homeless, dying literally in the streets. when will "WE" realize that there IS a war going on - here. right here. that all of these people are not just lazy, stupid, CHOOSING these lives (ok, i lied about the caps) that we need social programs, we need to help educate so people do have a way out.
holy crap, maybe i do belong in social work. i am so fortunate to have the life i have. i can pay my $100 copay without worry. i am the minority on this!! most of you too are. what are we going to do about this??? i can only pretend for so long that its not happening. yes, i am voting. that is not enough. it is so frustrating.
these presidential candidates better stick by what they say, regardless of who is elected i've been listening to their promises. and the really sad thing is, even if my guy wins i doubt he will do what he says he will. even if he wanted to all of the BS that goes on in "washington" is it possible to really make change???
show me the money baby. i'm watching and waiting.

dewberry farm

2008-10-24T14:38:00.005-05:00

we went on our annual trip to the farm with masons school. it was a long day, but fun for the kids. last year i was 9 months preggers on this trip and mason melted-down repeatedly, it was too much for him to have his worlds colliding (mommy & ms. olga at the same time?!?) this year was better, just when it gets to be 11:00 & he hasn't eaten since breakfast it gets a little hairy. glad i went, glad i don't have to go back for a year!

now i've realized that halloween is in one week and we have not picked a pumpkin for carving purposes. when we went to the pumpkin patch in the beginning of the month i thought, hey, i have a whole month. man, time sure does fly when you're having fun. (or sick and counting the minutes till beddtime)

Maria Shriver at CA womens conference

2008-10-23T06:35:00.003-05:00

wow, if you have time go read all of this coverage of her speech. i love this lady.

"I realize what's been keeping me from doing it full speed is fear - that's what keeps us from becoming what we want to be. Keeps us frozen in old beliefs. Makes us give up our own power, or worse, prevents us from realizing we have power in the first place. Convinces us we're not capable of doing what it takes to live our own wild and precious life. So many people speaking today learned that themselves by acknowledging their fear and forging ahead."

"From fear to freedom - that's how they got to know who they are or who they could be. Not suggesting any of us overthrow the government or fight the Pentagon. Staying in fear ensures you will feel bad about yourself. If you let fear stop you, you buy into the old message that you are a failure and you're too afraid to be happy."

"I am afraid of the unknown. I'm learning to live with that fear, to keep my mouth shut and watch how it unfolds."

"That moment taught me a really important lesson. You can't wait until the fear goes away to take the action. You have to take the action."

"Feeling afraid isn't weakness. It's the beginning of strength."

poem by Derek Walcott:

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.\

http://momocrats.typepad.com/momocrats/2008/10/ca-womens-confe.html#more

Obamarama baby

2008-10-22T18:18:00.000-05:00

Thanks for sharing this with me Kara

home now

2008-10-22T18:04:00.002-05:00

everything went fine. it was a LONG day. he was a trooper. he started to get pretty fussy when the doctor ran an hour over but i was able to distract him enough for it to not get too bad, for him & everyone else. he was hungry, i was hungry. he was not allowed to eat, i couldn't bring myself to in his presence.

i DO NOT LIKE seeing my child on pain medication & then doped asleep. (he sure was enjoying the leaves hanging from the ceiling when the initial pain meds kicked in!) he was so uncomfortable when he came to. it is truly a powerless feeling watching your baby being carried away by 2 complete strangers down a long white hall toward uncertainty. ok, i know. it was a basic procedure. but anything can happen.

another awful thing is watching all of the other parents & children in and around the hospital. i am so very grateful for the health of my children. so many have such great struggle, i will not even pretend that i have the right to imagine what they must go through, day in and day out with their suffering children. i get goosebumps just thinking about it.

so now hopefully my son will have a beautifully circumsized penis! kind of makes me re-think circumcision at all. (let me not even mention the deductible we have to meet to pay for this "procedure") but if i have another boy i'll do it again, he can't be different from the other boys in the house!

did i mention my gratitude for my childrens health?????

texas childrens

2008-10-22T06:41:00.002-05:00

i am taking stephen today to have the procedure done that will fix his, might i say "botched circumcision". really it is a basic procedure, in effect re-circumcising. however he will be put under to make it possible. so i'm taking him up to tx childrens to have the head of pediatric urology do what he does. i'm nervous, i don't like the idea of anaesthesia, although i know completely necessary. as this procedure is, it IS his penis - one day it will be VERY important to him and i want it to be the best it can be!
so be thinking of my litle guy today. poor guy. of me too as i sit waiting for my little baby to be brought back to me. although he's not such a baby anymore.

happy monday

2008-10-20T06:34:00.003-05:00

i've gotten a new sponsor recently. she kindly & lovingly let me know that if i was not praying AND meditating that i indeed am not practicing ALL of the steps (for all of you non-steppers the eleventh step states: we sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with god, as we understood him) let me say i am so grateful, so incredibly grateful for the last four words in that step.

so for almost 8 years i have not been practicing meditation. so in essence i have been talking to god through prayer, just not listening. so as of late i have been attempting this. i don't know how open i am to "hearing" god so to speak (this has brought up alot of stuff for me - is there a god? if so why should he "talk" to me? how do i trust what i receive is something loving/positive/divine not just my BS dressed up??) regardless of all of those questions and doubts i have been starting my day in a new way and its awesome. i truly appreciate the quiet time in the a.m. it helps me greet my sons when they wake up with loving smiles rather than groggy ones.

one thing, of many, i have/am learning from this is that in this life i cannot go it alone. i need guidance. and as i heard many years ago you guys are my god with skin. (which every time i think of that or hear it said i think of a woman that had a few years sober when i got to the program, who now is back out testing the waters and unfortunately has a young daughter she's taking through the wringer with her. makes me sad, but maybe she's out there so i don't have to be?) wow that was a long side thought there. so i need people. people that will tell me the truth. people that are seeking to live an honest, inspired life. people that are trying to be of service to the world around them. i am so blessed to have some amazing people to watch and learn from.

so i am grateful this morning. for many things. i am coming up on a milestone next month - 8 years sober. i am always very introspective & reminiscent around my anniversaries. one of the things i have been aware of is i feel like the chameleon in me is less and less. meaning for so long i tried to be what i thought i was supposed to be in any situation rather than just being myself. whatever that is. areas of my life were treated just like that. separate entities rather than a whole. i feel like they have all collided together so here i am. me in any given situation. so i read that over and it sounds kind of wackadoo (i'm stealing that word from my friend dee because i think it is hysterical!)

i just can't believe what my life is like today. can't imagine what it would look like if my mom had not dragged my butt to treatment. relieved that i let her.

thanks mom, for making that drive. for not just turning your head and trying to sweep the mess of my life under the rug. for having the courage to see the truth, even when i couldn't. and for taking action.

trick or treat smell my feet

2008-10-17T09:01:00.003-05:00

something in me wants to say "no, you have to wait until halloween to wear your costume"
why? i'm not really sure. truly cannot think of one good reason.

you go dad

2008-10-16T11:03:00.001-05:00

twenty-four hours a day

2008-10-16T10:52:00.001-05:00

Meditation for the Day

If your heart is right, your world will be right. The beginning of all reform must be in yourself. It's not what happens to you, it's how you take it. However restricted your circumstances, however little you may be able to remedy financial affairs, you can always turn to your inward self and seeing something not in order there, seek to right it. And as all reform is from within outward, you will always find that the outward is improved as the inward is improved. As you improve yourself, your outward circumstances will change for the better. The power released from within yourself will change your outward life.

Prayer for the Day

I pray that the hidden power within me may be released. I pray that I may not imprison the spirit that is within me.

Dancing Matt

2008-10-15T15:24:00.000-05:00

Dave Garrett

2008-10-14T12:36:00.002-05:00

any of you that live here in houston heard yesterday about the abc news chopper that went down and killed the two men aboard. Dave Garrett is the father of adam, who mason goes to school with. I did not hear until today when i went in to drop mason off. i am shocked and oh so sad for adam and all that are affected by this tragedy. i did not know either of his parents well, the occasional run in at the park, school or a birthday party here and there. however i feel so sad for the loss. it makes me think what it must be like to be in shelley's shoes, to have to explain to that little boy what happened to his daddy.
a very memorable thing for us and mason that dave did was bring the chopper up to the school last year so the kids could see it up close & go inside. for months and months, even before that, mason would see one in the sky and say "adams dad!!". it was such an exciting thing for him to know someone that flew in one, and then to get to go inside as well.
i'm not sure what to do in these times of loss, that happen every day. except love the ones i love (and be kind to those i don't) and try not to sweat the small stuff (and hopefully carry that perspective with me longer than a few minutes).
love to you all